i was trying to attribute his words to where i stand in his life. some strange force brought us together, i was taking it as a mission to save people. to show others the proper way forward. we did all we can for the ones close to us. but in my mind, there is always him to save. its the urgency of life. there is an idea, the will and resources but there are no doors to reach. no even vague signals. this is a recent thing, this feeling of emptiness. its coming early in my 4th decade of life.
as i see it, i didn't have to find him. but i did. and all of us tried something to make his pain lesser. and he said today, we think the same thing and we want to do the same to everyone else. he works beyond his pain for others. but his life now is measured. i dont think him leaving will be a peaceful departure. it will always appear in my mind as a failure even when there are thousands out there with the same ailment who have been saved and are living beyond their time. whats worst is imagining the ones he loves. whats worst is the ones depending on him for guidance.
//the emptiness of departure
Thursday, January 7
Monday, January 4
this in reply to Standby's post :)totally forgot, its supposed to be dark resolutions!
(1) fight club. i think its going to be the year I finally send invitation letters to my enemies and start a fight club...where I bash them up. you know who you are! im going to beat the crap out of you, then tie you down till you are nearly dead and then pour salt water on your wounds. then let you live for another year. then ill restart it all over.
(2) street racing. Im up to this, i just need to make sure I dont kill anyone. and i want to do this without using brakes.
(3) build a giant rocket shooting firework. ive had this in my list for ages, i think this time I can afford it. and tie the damn thing on top of Indrans' car and ride through town shooting rockets. middle east hell yea!
(4) monthly booze motivation holiday trips. its langkawi and a bunch of indian guys willing do put their livers on the line of fire. its the ultimate cocktail swingers in action. its the great gp drunkfest!!! the january theme is bombay saphire on the rocks. there aint much cocktail ideas with this i guess... :|
(5) start my own ponzi scheme. i have awesome ideas for this. if all goes well, I can make atleast a million bucks by the end of the year and the disappear to some island and never come back. but why stop there! expand to other countries and recruit recruit recruit! get more of my posse in and we can all have money-orgies!
(the sweeter resolutions are below)
i have made new year resolutions previously, i have forgotten ive made them. i do not follow them, i rarely follow advice, my own even.
my resolution for this year (and many years to come) is:
money. to make money, more than ever. (repeat after me)... money = happiness. you just need to figure the right currency, then live through the ride. all is good.
to travel more. yes.
other resolutions, that might or might not work.
read more books. ive read 342 books between 2001 to 2004. ive read 12 books between 2005 till the end of 2009. i dont like this pattern, i still have books in their shrink wraps and 5 year old magazines in unopened envelopes!
watch more good movies. i actually watched 5 tamil movies on dvd in the past 3 days. thats the total ive watched in cinemas the whole of last year! i liked Ayan, Thiru Thiru Thuru Thuru was good (and depressing for a single soul like me), rehashed varanam ayiram + kakka kakka + ghajini. need to get more anime and eng dvd's.
save money. rotfl.
buy a house. hmmmm...
see ya in 2011.