Thursday, December 23

6th year completed!

with lesser posts, lesser attention span, lesser reading all because of facebook! :P here's for another wild year ahead!

and we are 40 more years to 2050.

Monday, November 15

looking forward, back in the future

looking to write more, i remembered 5 years of blog posts and comments. read a few, and felt really happy :)

where are those wanderers, who have disappeared from this journey?


what mondays? when you haven't even had a weekend. am i a bad planner, or am i taking in too much? will a sabbatical hurt my business, do freelancers take sabbaticals? too many questions. boils down to the loyalty of the client, and our smart planning.

Saturday, November 13

வாரணம் ஆயிரம்

it was san francisco, it was a desire, it happened. it was a coincidence, it was amazing. it was in songs, it was her. she didn't die this time.

crossing light-years

Friday, November 12

the next 5 years

managed to persuade myself to write down the ideas. now hoping to put this into action, waiting for January, waiting to see what the new year brings. waiting for the full brunt of machine translation, waiting for money, waiting to see what it all means. waiting to see if i over-lived my dreams, waiting to see if i went too fast, waiting to see you.

on a another note, i can just quit this all and pursue photography and writing. that's for another day to decide. in January.

Wednesday, October 20

this journey

alot of thing doest make sense now, alot more lost along the way. days and nights doesn't turn a difference, the sun and the moon, eyes unblinking. feet wandering the streets, streets meandering cold lands. the feeling of being lost, more now than ever, consumes the soul left open in search of divinity. disguised, the wounded heart walks along, in fever, in reverie of ancient lands. he wants, it wants the souls of the dead.

of the many walks, some trespassed into their realm, angered they invaded him. hallucinating visions, the sights and sound of thousands of years lived in a second. i am not unique, heard from the cry into the night, somewhere along the 10,000 mile road. from villages to cities, light after light, the sunrise hidden, but awakening cities mesmerize. they smile, walk and dance all in their own majestic world.

drowning, from river to lakes to sea. from all corners of the earth, stories alive. in this immortal land, you stood spinning along the axis of the orbiting galaxy. the stars above are no magic, for here they created even the beginning.

it was not love, not songs i seek. it is life, to share. when daylight comes in the morning, when the night speaks only in dreams, i will return. in this life or the other.

Sunday, October 17


drove me mad, killed me. theres a lesson to be learned somewhere, i just dont know where.

Thursday, September 30


they are not wanderers. they built giant rivers through time.
so we hired a boat and paddled along the infinity shore. on the river bank, faces of desolate souls. waking up from their burning pyres. tired eyes watching along the path of no return. many worlds, we see them from sunrise to darkness. nights littered with zero machines, emitting light from an unknown source of energy. as they twinkle from life to death, controlled by some force, we see them taking form. they are humans liberated from this tragedy.

when life has walked past. and days become meaningless voids, no mirror can reflect. even time regrets not stopping. just for a moment and giving this universe a chance of survival.

when you are beyond, and above everything, one with your world. you are there, where each smile, touch and love is pain.

then the end.

Monday, September 6

i know

of your evil play. among all this 'sciences' and all the non-belief i have on this system, i know what you capable of. i know you succeeded in crushing me many times, i know of your evil. but trust me on this, you will not win this war. with escalation of anger, sadism and emotions you are leaving deep scars that wont heal. it will reflect back on you. i will prevail.

Thursday, July 15

Tuesday, June 15


when you realize people in the trade has no similar passion or a sense of responsibility as you do, the only thing left is to outlast them. like rotting, withering leaves from trees they will fall one by one and you will be left with your grand achievement - your experience. that matters most than anything else.

Thursday, April 1


Wrote this nearly two years ago and it still holds true. Sad that humanity never matured beyond their heads.

"The benefit of being youths living in a lawless world is that, when we see a door... we can kick it open or break it down. But is there still a risk of people saying that we are irresponsible? When we are just trying to open the doors to opportunity, in a society trying to cement such doors shut."

For the meaning, of being rebels is to break out of the mold. Youths in a lawless world are youths in a borderless society. The opportunity is what we have already created and stored behinds doors. The journey defines character.

Monday, February 15

1000th post

some pics from my travels in sri rangam last year with hari, saravana and padhu. full gallery @flickr [ghost flickr]

ill start with paying tribute to the many fine souls who have taken this long 5 year journey with me. there was a moment in time this was a group blog. i have to thank vinitha and brian (wherever you are) for taking this ride and inspiring me. not forgetting the 2050 blog, which im still having hope of reviving some day. that was a fun ride and was from a moment everyone had a vision to share towards the future.

lets do something new for a change, lets walk the footsteps of others. we can make a difference.

//if my regular readers or anyone has something to share, please post the comments and leave a note that you want to be part of this running post. ill update it into the post. thank you.

from sungai petani to silicon valley

ill be honest here. i've always felt this 'career' im in as a fluke. the same way i felt starting my postgraduate studies. a life of flukes. of stumbling upon?

i was chatting with my savior, mentor and recently convinced 'my quantum entangled twin' in a faraway land, Fred Lessing. he said i had this coming. we all had this coming. its something we wished for. to break the chains, is to go back to a stage in life in the Past and plan of this future you are living in. in short, you are time traveling all the time. is this stumbling upon...or a fluke?

just as india happening, america was a tall mountain i wanted to climb. in another history if I had the spirit to wade through my postgraduate studies i wanted to be a proper scientist there. but future histories are not so kind. one endeavor lost, opened windows to new pages in the book of careers.

from sungai petani to...a dream come true.

there must be hundreds of hardworking souls from this town i call 'the center of the universe' to work in silicon valley. but in my world this has been an amazing journey I had in a short couple years of doing what im doing now. me walking foreign lands is the greatest tribute i could give to the people who trusted in me. my capabilities and my results are from backbreaking work. in the chapters of my life that i lost so many other people with my blunt answers for their parents hopes and dreams too, i found a few good ones who actually saw something i had in me which could make a difference. i am defined these days as i should have always been. i had this coming. patience was another name for it.

let this great adventure be a tribute to everyone who had know me all this years. who had crossed paths with me. particularly my guides and friends and the ones who in all the troubles of present day economics still see a way to accommodate my services.

its a border-less world today, tomorrow it will be a single world. tomorrow the struggles to travel will be much less than yesterday. and from yesterday i am going to repeat this stories tomorrow of how a lost soul made it to one of the great epitomes of modern culture because through some leap forward he managed to get rid of his fear. it will be hard to make most understand, but it has not been easy being under-equipped yet being able to do something. for those who understands, thank you.

i owe it to you world.

//a few things to remember of achieving dreams, give yourself the credit that was meant to be. you deserve every bit of it. let the whole world look away, look down, you are still the winner. you are the master of this history you are building!

india, of why

india was a dream. and i achieved it in 2008. the memories of past lives, the staggering history of ancient civilizations, of beautiful colors and sounds. having lived nearly 3 decades with movies and stories of india, probably my future history itself could not bear to hold my urges anymore. india was a dream come true. it was a personal achievement of breaking boundaries and setting out into a new stage in life. of coming out of cowardliness and climbing a mountain there never was. it is a world which i have set apart so far away across the sea thinking I would never reach it ever in my lifetime. but the moment the plane landed and the familiarity of having 'been there in the motherland' sweeps in you know you are home, at last.

how or why india happened was not so easy to describe...ill try to put it in words.

back in school i started writing a story called 'india, an epic journey by a traveler never been there'*. it was part of my '50 things to do before i die' list. so this dream, like the story, sort of sparkled, fleeting in and out of existence as the years flew by (a good 5 years!). i wrote to about 20 pages and made my roommate at uni read from the withering paper of my 'epic' journey as i told him of my dreams. made him all teary when i said im going to set foot in the motherland to travel or to die. the masterpiece crumbled away into distant memory in one of the many shoeboxes hiding my stories. but i stuck with the idea, the principle of it. if i ever to get a passport to set foot on another political border, its going to be india.

2008 saw some of the worst moments in my life. depression over the years has reached unbearable proportions. and migraine and insomnia drove me crazy. each day was like a jail sentence for murder, waiting in fear and in wanting of the electric chair. towards mid year i was averaging 2 to 3 hours of sleep a day and going days without sleep sometimes. suffering from bad back pains, fingers going numb and sometimes in tears as i rushed to meet deadlines, my mind was working as if it was programmed for a servant robot. constantly crying and dismissing one by one people in my life. isolation and darkness gave me solace.

there is another chapter in this which happened unknowingly. while i will never regret going through it, it still fleets as something stupid that i have done during that time. probably a great loss in life is an opening for a great find.

i gathered my courage and much of whatever is left of my sanity and made a decision that india must happen now. for good or for worst i must leave and reach there for whatever life wants has in store of me. took a piece of paper and wrote 27th september on it. the day ill go to india (which thinking of it now sounds funny because i had no passport, no visa dont know an inkling of something called 'booking a ticket'!). i had 20 days to plan and fly. it all ended up happening in 10 days since i at many times tried to talk myself out of it...even after getting the visa and ticket! during this stage i had good friends encouraging me. still could not forget the day i picked up this laptop and my dslr with velan. the guy was more confused than me on what i was doing but he did not stop discourage me. my parents and family got the worst deal, a blunt sentence...' im going to india and i wont be back anytime soon'.

and so this reluctant wanderer made up his mind and went to the 'his cradle of civilization'. and how india went was already written somewhere in this blog and other minds. ill do a proper recap sometime later.

*i wrote a lot back in school, thanks to an amazing English teacher i had. he encouraged me a lot. and yes, most of my personal titles had 'epic' in it :P

//how much 'epic' is epic enough for life to unfold?

starscapes, coastal trains and dreams

if life were to be defined by the many times you break down, drift lost in specific coastal domains where sunsets don't live, yet wake up another day to live it all again. to wake up.

if, in a life such as them, sprinkled random we have the enigmatic starscapes guiding us with Orion's triplets themself so that we are not lost in such dreams throwing us into faraway timescapes. these are dreams.

it is a life worth living. let all life be written in such words. let it be my life.

ive had this recurring dream during my childhood which made up a major part of the very few memories i have of my early years on this earth. its of this beautiful vista of a huge coast line with sail boats and ships. and in one image is a train snaking its way along the coastline and there i was immersed and overwhelmed by the whole thing, gawking at it from the veranda of my house. every time i had this dream i live through an euphoric state growing intense each time. a little kid lost in his own world. was it a vision of the future?

now, i am from this small town in the north of peninsular malaysia...the coastline being an hour away, let alone having trains along the shore. and sail boats and ships? then came my first experience on the penang ferry sometime in 1984 (i can still remember the year because the penang bridge was under its final stage of construction and was only opened in 1985. and while crossing the small straits from butterworth to the island, the bridge was visible in a distance with its tall beautiful spires and cables and unconnected in the middle). the imagery from childhood shapes an important part of the human mind.

the next decade were full of lucid dreams of starscapes and rocket ships. the deluge of tv programs and thank god for such a cool grandpa, god bless his soul wherever he is right now, my life is blessed with everything i wanted to watch. the mind was shaped and incidental findings (with the internet to verify :P ) build a stronger interest in tomorrows.

so this sailboats and coastlines....i saw them last year in san francisco and while taking the coast starlight from la to san jose. was stumped throughout the train journey actually thinking of all this. even the coach master was surprised of my silence...the wide eyed wanderer. i told her i ticked off a few items from my bucket list and well this is/was a dream come true.

and to put this post into perspectives, as i near my 1000th and landmark post in this blog, i wanted to say that life is indeed about the unknown. about the chances taken that breaks open new paths and of days broken and battered that made tomorrows seems all beautiful and never too late. life is about that little sunshine in the morning, the blessing of wind-scapes in the evenings and unending starscapes at nights.

//a celebration of the human spirit.

Thursday, January 7

the emptiness of departure

i was trying to attribute his words to where i stand in his life. some strange force brought us together, i was taking it as a mission to save people. to show others the proper way forward. we did all we can for the ones close to us. but in my mind, there is always him to save. its the urgency of life. there is an idea, the will and resources but there are no doors to reach. no even vague signals. this is a recent thing, this feeling of emptiness. its coming early in my 4th decade of life.

as i see it, i didn't have to find him. but i did. and all of us tried something to make his pain lesser. and he said today, we think the same thing and we want to do the same to everyone else. he works beyond his pain for others. but his life now is measured. i dont think him leaving will be a peaceful departure. it will always appear in my mind as a failure even when there are thousands out there with the same ailment who have been saved and are living beyond their time. whats worst is imagining the ones he loves. whats worst is the ones depending on him for guidance.

//the emptiness of departure

Monday, January 4

--|| Dark Resolutions ||--


totally forgot, its supposed to be dark resolutions!

(1) fight club. i think its going to be the year I finally send invitation letters to my enemies and start a fight club...where I bash them up. you know who you are! im going to beat the crap out of you, then tie you down till you are nearly dead and then pour salt water on your wounds. then let you live for another year. then ill restart it all over.

(2) street racing. Im up to this, i just need to make sure I dont kill anyone. and i want to do this without using brakes.

(3) build a giant rocket shooting firework. ive had this in my list for ages, i think this time I can afford it. and tie the damn thing on top of Indrans' car and ride through town shooting rockets. middle east hell yea!

(4) monthly booze motivation holiday trips. its langkawi and a bunch of indian guys willing do put their livers on the line of fire. its the ultimate cocktail swingers in action. its the great gp drunkfest!!! the january theme is bombay saphire on the rocks. there aint much cocktail ideas with this i guess... :|

(5) start my own ponzi scheme. i have awesome ideas for this. if all goes well, I can make atleast a million bucks by the end of the year and the disappear to some island and never come back. but why stop there! expand to other countries and recruit recruit recruit! get more of my posse in and we can all have money-orgies!

(the sweeter resolutions are below)

i have made new year resolutions previously, i have forgotten ive made them. i do not follow them, i rarely follow advice, my own even.

my resolution for this year (and many years to come) is:

money. to make money, more than ever. (repeat after me)... money = happiness. you just need to figure the right currency, then live through the ride. all is good.

to travel more. yes.

other resolutions, that might or might not work.

read more books. ive read 342 books between 2001 to 2004. ive read 12 books between 2005 till the end of 2009. i dont like this pattern, i still have books in their shrink wraps and 5 year old magazines in unopened envelopes!

watch more good movies. i actually watched 5 tamil movies on dvd in the past 3 days. thats the total ive watched in cinemas the whole of last year! i liked Ayan, Thiru Thiru Thuru Thuru was good (and depressing for a single soul like me), rehashed varanam ayiram + kakka kakka + ghajini. need to get more anime and eng dvd's.

save money. rotfl.

buy a house. hmmmm...

see ya in 2011.
this in reply to Standby's post :)


it rains around the world sleep welcomes the dream, and  enigmatic souls awaken along the eternal shores of destiny