weird day

woke up at 3 am feeling totally out of place. nightmares again, people offering me jobs, standing at the cashier counter, walking the piers, wtf moments. and all this in my dream! so what actually freaked me out was that when I woke up, all the doors in the room was open, the closet, the bedroom door, etc. no one broke in, but i felt it in my sleep that something was going on in the room. the first thing i did after waking up was to get my laptops and place it on the bed with me. forgetting even to check my passport and wallet...sigh.

im not sure if some ghost has been following me around in this trip, or was it the same one thats been following me a decade now. crazy stuff i tell you. not a moment passes that i feel 'not alone' wherever i go. try figuring that out.

again and again

i dont know how to explain this reign of confusion. i'm definitely not an organized person when it comes to work. i hoard stuff, emails, notes, letters and even atm receipts, but i really dont know how to keep it all together. organize it. and when this new client came in and started talking about the process, timelines, Scheduling and stuff, it finally dawned upon me that they are more that just big words. i used to brush them aside because everything is streamlined and online nowadays. everything is just there, the tools. i just need to log in, get my work, finish, port it back, invoice and im done. its all there, numbered processes. but then im loosing out of the big picture here. there is no communication with the local environment where the work happens. or if its in another country, there is no serious discussions about usability and target markets and such. all this while i was thinking of the presence and not the commanding position that i should strive to be.

the market is flooded, inundated by wet ears. theyre welcome to come, but then there must be some space for the experienced to do their stuff. hence, to put it all together, the new client comes, and learns the process and immediately wants cheaper people. because they want many brains working on the same thing, to get a well rounded result, rather than one person dictating whats good and not for the market. theyre gonna pay, lets say 2 cents for each person in the process, and then keep 90% of the profit to themselves. for doing what? for getting the customer. how on earth do anyone come up in this kind of market?

[tbc]

small boundaries/ layers of our worlds

i always wanted to know this, what do you do with your surroundings? rather, what do you do in your surroundings, your city, school, house, even life. do you explore it in tiny circles that grow bigger, maybe like peeling an onion do you slowly peel the layers of your environment and discover many magical things a day at a time. do you do the same at places you travel to, for work or study.

and when the layers end, and the circle's big enough to cover your immediate reach, how do you retrace back the magic, the warmth and security that those past circles provide. its not about finding humans, its about finding certain assurance when we peek into the corner and find a new world. each time.

its a nice feeling :)

so, tell me how do you live your surroundings, your worlds?

new life philosophies

disregard of life's pain, the moment's destruction of any sanity in this world, disregard of anything, what keeps us going? i guess its work, even in grave problems we only manage to wake up another day because we are indebted with work to others. no man is a boss to any work he does, in my experience no matter how independent we choose to be, there are always people who will criticize, review, dissect and be the new boss of our work. hence, in this whole chaotic, fragmented existence that marks the adult life of many of us, the salvation to a calmer life comes from struggle and sacrifice. and to borrow from orkut; 'Toil to make yourself remarkable by some talent or other...'. everything's in there, you can make it happen. sometimes it takes some maturity, less fear, an open mind and a clear sky to just make it happen. ill live with this philosophy today.

a few more steps

this time i got myself to stop advising myself. like the stuff you tell to assure yourself things are right or wrong, on whether its going to be ok and all. nope, that doesn't work in the long run. leaders dont advice themselves. the world never did so too. there is this clean slate every morning for us to walk on, capture, paint, sing to, work on, paste the lives of others. im going to try that from now on.

on other steps; i made a pact with a buddy of mine that if i ever get tired of life or whatever im doing, im just going to backpack and roam the world. its possible, cant make everyone happy all the time. so the best thing is to stay away from the negative ones, and enjoy the prospects of this chaotic world.

believing that humans are just clinging to people because they cant strike out on their own. others are important, but others need to give a hand in fulfilling the meaning of being together. the years to come will be filled in figuring why some are so easy to get along with and why some build walls.

again, life is not a thesis, and everything else for that matter doesn't need an explanation. what needs certain activity is living the space around us. what does living in the present means? does it mean ignoring all else to strive for our own better future. and where does the better future factor in when everyone has left and you need a helping hand. maybe even a few words of encouragement, do you come back then to say you matter, again?

the final steps are for simple things. simple happiness, simple sorrow, simple love and simple life. the simple things in life, in love, in work and in travels. the days and nights, the midnight star. those kind of things. the wandering mind, the struggling heart, the fighting spirit. all of it.

[/-] future retrospective on a few things, on all things.

it was something i really wished for

when i tried to put everything into perspective, it dawned that if I had not made some stupid moves this would have been a perfect setting for beautiful things. many had come, many had left, those memories. for some I wish never have brushed for they left me to weep on imaginary graves.

in front of my eyes you walked into some distance, then you turned back and returned. my visions are from my dreams. the happiness were only in my dreams, when my eyes stay closed. wasn't it you who made me wake up and achieve those dreams. unknowingly finding tears, in between warm breezes in foreign lands.

like love, those too pass away. withering in the wind, struggling in summers, waning in winter, silent springs and audacious autumns. none so beautiful like the soul you showed me. me only. to know that two people belong together and then to see it break apart and to live the sorrow, mere seasons don't paint absolution for bold dreams of yesterdays.

there was this scape i drew for you. there were mountains in the distance, monsoons from rain forests outside the balcony and when the painting was completed, it drowns even the sound of heavy droplets on still roofs of that beautiful house. built for you and me. and as we walked together into this unending journey, threading, jumping from color to color to see a whole new life awaken.

how i dreamed these pages, how for a year i believed there could be something. how life throws us amazing opportunities, how it brings us amazing people to show the opens doors we frequently ignored. how blissfully ignorant could some minds be to wait for a miracle from the sky, how even that waiting is justified for souls like you to come and show the breaking rays from eternity clouds.

how lovely were you, on that summer day, along the shores of forgotten seas, as you waited for me with faith. how was I to know what words were right and which were wrong. how the minutes became hours and daylight melted away along with the fog. when then night came, and I was still not there, when sanity came and it was too late for me. you left, maybe forever.

it hurts as no one ever understood, no one ever does. for all that had happened in great distances, could have been so much more beautiful from a touch away.

requiem for a life, for love


[#] something random, for a dude who sleeps 3 hours a day, every dream turns amazingly beautiful, amazingly heartbreaking and amazingly weird.

of many things

something about getting older makes you realize that the world is never in pace with you. provided we have in some ways tried to keep pace with the dynamics of humanity, we might have arrived in/ to the future. but then, try however we might, we are always left behind in this game. the world is either too in front of you tomorrow morning, or have stopped catching up with you.

life is full of heartbreaks, just like how we lost yesterday, how we are loosing today. we simply have to live that many days more.

the beauty of working, is the satisfaction that we are doing something more that not doing anything. the happiness is in watching others be happy and proud for us, at us, about us.

always respect, accept and acknowledge those who try. there are shoes, we can never fit in. then there are false shoes, that never exist. but for those who try, and try, and fail and try with tears and blood, their steps make deep impressions on their experience and ours. appreciate their lives. pull someone up. even if it means stopping for a while.

on being honest. we have choices, and that involves removing people who slow you down, or whom tries to stop you. these people are not honest about their lives, nor will they ever be about ours. dont waste time on them. just leave them. if your move is clear, you would know who to leave, who not to. after all, there are only so many tomorrows, and only a lifetime to live and celebrate.

~of love. never give up :)

mj, 2

there will never be a closure, we waited for a comeback. and now, he never will.