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lost

after endless hours of trying hard not to get carried away and drawn into the awful criticisms by those close to me, i had to convince myself that i cant really see a direction in front of me. there have been countless times in the past years that i struggled hard to climb up from the rut, from stagnating in this rooms that whoever claims control over me built around me. there have been times and again that i cut off ties, cleaned up the mess and walked on, as always saying to myself that even the sky knows its limits, not the endurance we immerse our souls in.

i have drawn lines and paths and words in the darkness to show that there is a way for anything to happen and everything to be solved. i have been fortunate of all the love in life that everyone who understood me showed me. i have been in the kind eyes of them to see that i needed help, and they took me in to connect the lines to make sure i achieve the many things i aspire to do. i have tried and gave my best, and i am still lost. i cant stand the pain that even after a good many years of doing what i do, taking care, building character and living up to their standards, i am still pushed back like some burned match stick, whos' use are sometimes only witnessed by those who pick them up from the streets from random admiration. what more and what else can i do, i am lost today.

i have thread carefully, i have paid my dues, i have at all times made sure i live up to the trust and care that some good souls have showed me. i gave unparalleled loyalty to all those who lent me a hand, pulled me up. i worked my way up with such force and determination of not wanting them to look bad. it was not for me, it was for everyone else. i did all this to make sure no one dies during my lifetime and leave me alive with a broken soul.

today, i feel the world has left me somewhere that i cant crawl back. i look ahead towards some charted fate knowing this life will go on at its will. i feel the things that will happen, will take its course, as it was determined on some slate. i have no control. i have been drawn in some pages to live till the eventual. i have no control of anything, i have made bad choices, i have begged forgiveness from god. all i want is to change the people close to me so that they can live a good life. in all this circus they continue everyday to live careless, to not see the virtues of what it would be to not live a lonely and painful. they have everything their way and yet they waste away. i only want to see them be grateful for what they are having, what they receive everyday. it pains me to see them waste their able lives, it pains not to be able to influence them of the good that they can live to see in this world. i feel numb to see them rot away. i don't want to give up hope on them, but maybe, a day will come when they are what they wished to be. and i will not be alive to see them and be happy. i am lost and dying in the darkness.

`the days when beautiful thoughts are shared among their friends and family, they don't know the dynamics of how that came to be. i know how it will be tomorrow, when even them brothers will laugh and dismiss me away for after all i have do is not remembered anymore. let it be the time they look back, when im gone to know that i did all i could and they have forgotten to take me in when i needed everyone the most.

Comments

venus66 said…
Very touching. Brought tears in my eyes.Hope you will feel better soon. God Bless.
Archikins said…
"lost" - is what gives humans a reason to live. a lifetime spent trying to find. find toys, find joy, find work, find love, find purpose, find God, find satisfaction, find, find find...

focus on "find". find in yourself that hope, that faith, that strength that courage that you found over and over before you focussed on being "lost".

find.
Jeevan said…
bro it hurts to see u in pain. I'm so touched by your care on others and we all understand you. hope there are more tomorrow and we kept blogging or connected by anything against the inevitable world.

I wish you feel positive on life always.
Hugss and love.
brocasarea said…
i appr ur attitude towards gratitude...only very few have tht quality!!..

hope u have a better life!!:)
Nachi said…
you know brah, i think its time for that beer talk...

...feel better!

:)

ps: burnt match sticks are very important. when you need to light a cigarette and all you have is a gas burner. the match saves your hair!
Someone said…
please answer me.. what do you think humans provide to the universe?

pedro.figueiredu@gmail.com
Someone said…
please tell me.. what do you think that humans provide to the universe?
Ghost Particle said…
[venus] thank you, i pray all will be better soon. :)

[archana] your words give me strenght, i will not stop in this journey, i must go on. to find the faith of finding. thank you, hugs :)

[jeevan] thank you nanba, life must go on. we inspire each other, we live on. hugs :)

[broca] thank you bro, we wish and we live. have a nice week ahead :)

[nachi] definitely overdue...ill hope to make it this year, hugs bro :)

[someone] another day ill answer this, not now. thx.
White Forest said…
There is always a comeback!

There is always Hope against hope!

I really wish things get better for you..

Nice to be here after long time :)
Mythily said…
So sad GP.. I wish you to write cheerful posts...

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