Sunday, August 30


after endless hours of trying hard not to get carried away and drawn into the awful criticisms by those close to me, i had to convince myself that i cant really see a direction in front of me. there have been countless times in the past years that i struggled hard to climb up from the rut, from stagnating in this rooms that whoever claims control over me built around me. there have been times and again that i cut off ties, cleaned up the mess and walked on, as always saying to myself that even the sky knows its limits, not the endurance we immerse our souls in.

i have drawn lines and paths and words in the darkness to show that there is a way for anything to happen and everything to be solved. i have been fortunate of all the love in life that everyone who understood me showed me. i have been in the kind eyes of them to see that i needed help, and they took me in to connect the lines to make sure i achieve the many things i aspire to do. i have tried and gave my best, and i am still lost. i cant stand the pain that even after a good many years of doing what i do, taking care, building character and living up to their standards, i am still pushed back like some burned match stick, whos' use are sometimes only witnessed by those who pick them up from the streets from random admiration. what more and what else can i do, i am lost today.

i have thread carefully, i have paid my dues, i have at all times made sure i live up to the trust and care that some good souls have showed me. i gave unparalleled loyalty to all those who lent me a hand, pulled me up. i worked my way up with such force and determination of not wanting them to look bad. it was not for me, it was for everyone else. i did all this to make sure no one dies during my lifetime and leave me alive with a broken soul.

today, i feel the world has left me somewhere that i cant crawl back. i look ahead towards some charted fate knowing this life will go on at its will. i feel the things that will happen, will take its course, as it was determined on some slate. i have no control. i have been drawn in some pages to live till the eventual. i have no control of anything, i have made bad choices, i have begged forgiveness from god. all i want is to change the people close to me so that they can live a good life. in all this circus they continue everyday to live careless, to not see the virtues of what it would be to not live a lonely and painful. they have everything their way and yet they waste away. i only want to see them be grateful for what they are having, what they receive everyday. it pains me to see them waste their able lives, it pains not to be able to influence them of the good that they can live to see in this world. i feel numb to see them rot away. i don't want to give up hope on them, but maybe, a day will come when they are what they wished to be. and i will not be alive to see them and be happy. i am lost and dying in the darkness.

`the days when beautiful thoughts are shared among their friends and family, they don't know the dynamics of how that came to be. i know how it will be tomorrow, when even them brothers will laugh and dismiss me away for after all i have do is not remembered anymore. let it be the time they look back, when im gone to know that i did all i could and they have forgotten to take me in when i needed everyone the most.

Thursday, August 27

to write

I used to think that to write a blog post, you need to interact and travel and see and experience the world. To find something to describe a unique occurrence, a situation and place. To unravel the beauty of the moment with words which in turn can also be justified with a beautiful image of the moment.

Now I realize the only way to write a blog post resides in finding the Time to write it. And all along, the experience of the moments we wish to describe withers away from words, living only in random memories, and future histories.

[-/] welcome back Miladysa :)

Saturday, August 15

the Internet town

dogs barking on every street, occasional fires, the homeless, the same music repeating every minute of the day. welcome all to the Internet town.

after a while even the noise of silence gets boring, and sometimes even the blind get perturbed by the immaturity some display of not seeing the obvious.

and in this pile of decomposing human thoughts, the only certainty is that there are still good blogs in some faraway corner of the streets, occasionally.

Tuesday, August 11

uravugal thodarkathai

my take on it,
life is made of never ending stories of finding, living, misplacing and loosing love.

[#] Uravugal Thodarkhatai is a timeless masterpiece by Raja, was telling a friend today that i want this as my death song :) probably the people then would surmise my life accordingly.

Thursday, August 6

pacific crest trail

pct trail, at 8000 feet, originally uploaded by Ghost Particle.

hiked the pacific crest trail today, its one of the national scenic trails in California. Jim and I started at 7000 feet elevation, the hike is for about 10 miles and the highest point is 8950 feet right before the end. It took me about 6 hours to complete the 10 miles hike, Jim was of course an expert on the trails and ended up about half an hour before me :)

The total length of the PCT is 2650 miles with snow covered mountains during winter, and generally a pleasant and beautiful hiking trails during normal season. Beautiful wildflowers, blue skies and the occasional bears and mountain lions (which we most probably wont ever see during daytime).

was dreaming for so long on doing the Appalachian trails, the PCT is a dream come true, thanks to Jim :)

Monday, August 3

the walks

i have walked so far, i don't feel like stopping at all
the nomad lives on, in many memories

Saturday, August 1

something from the roads

returning to the same places a few times in our lifetime makes us brand new. at many times emanating a kind of energy that creates new universes of warmth and familiarity. knowing you belong there, however alien the people be, you know you belong there. let it be for only a second of the lifetime in cosmic perspective. life was there then.

and you sit there at the side of the road looking at them walk by along with time. you look down at their footprints, and all you see is your past walks.

and when the next city comes 10000 miles after, you see a whole new existence. erasing the past days and from the fractured time lines you pick the sharpest shards to carve out new footprints.

you create the paths, you walk on it and it goes on. for the many cities in that million year journey, the many miles in a godless universe. you only see things that brings awe.

writing a thesis on the life of a time traveler.


it rains around the world sleep welcomes the dream, and  enigmatic souls awaken along the eternal shores of destiny