Sunday, August 31

Time, She Reflects

I didn't know this was a part of the game. Didn't even know this was a game in the first place. Am not here for competition, but would really love to consider this a challenging one. Fierce and open. But it wont work that way, I know that. All I want to say now is that I know what is happening and its exciting. I should have know earlier, now all of it seems funny. So she was right after all, its not about knowing, or telling or even living. Its about have the extra touch that matters. People will never be impressed by the usual stuff. Right. I'll keep flying a while longer, let it linger and then return to existence. Its all for a different time, sometime in the future when they learn to understand. But for now, I'm happy that at least some good souls out there understand me.

Been here long enough to know how this works. Probably the magic of all this is to let it work on its own, spin the wheel(s) of time and let it flow. It weaves itself, leaving trails of humanity and love along the path. The deafening silence breaks your quixotic views of scapes around you. It was all about you and no one else. It was every bit about you and no one else. Sing now. That's what she told me. When the scapes crumble, and its tiny bits shower from the sky, I will savor it. I am living it, through generations. And they all gathered to say, good luck good luck my brother, my friend may your ideals match her. And this morning I can only smile. And I too want to say, good luck my friend, may you idea's work.

And I turn towards the rushing Time and told her, you broke your promise. I dint know there would be so much color and status and paradigms in this world, and you lied to me you will take care of me. But she could only smile she has been here forever. She has seen all this too. And she immersed me in her flow, lines and scapes. I cant see anything but the lives of others, she carries with her the faces of unknown. Do you need someone Time? And she for a tiny moment turned back and smiled. It struck me then, however impatient I am, I should have waited. And she flew ever far away, giving me the pleasure of months of happiness, I am truly impressed by your reverence for me , I do understand your undying ambitions. I will live it, that's the least I can do to respect your paths. And then Time took me with her.

when sensational nights draws to a close
and the dancers return to their liberation
under the stars
the dark night radiates one last time
and the Luna fairies sparkle
with glitters on their wings
exchanging their fears of mortality
I know what I have seen, I understand
and I sit silent, lost and thinking
of everything that could have been

-gp08-

[#] Another part of the this story arc from Part 1: It's Time to Go , Part 2: Obsessions of the Maroon Star , Part 3: Eternity Flowers in Lost Galaxies; the forms are different in each, this time its simply my notes, no conversations.

[#] The most beautiful thing thats happening right now to me are turning into chapters of this story. Hard for some to understand, read the past editions of it, it does connect in a strange way. Thank you :)

Friday, August 29

something about salvation

if life is to understand, then I did not give much effort to it. everyone has ambitions, works hard for it and lives its glory. I do to. something that I should have realized earlier, this salvation, is like a pilgrimage through the hardest moments in my life. i'm looking back at things that I could have done better. it is good sometimes to do this, i rarely if not at all take anything from the past for the pure purpose of solution. i realized long before that nothing can satisfy my needs, hence i need to wake up to a new day - everyday. and that was what university was for. but it was worthless to think that when we gave everything, the forces that be did not appreciate the efforts. and then looking back also, I did not live the philosophy that i so much wanted to follow, only yearning for another new face, another new day. it was like looking for the cover, not wanting to explore the content of such books of life.

so this past one week, as i tried so hard to form some sort of a clear route to the future, i discovered the bare facts of life, that being in this time and moment we cant change anything for the future, because it has already happened. what was more heartbreaking was that I did not realize the same of others, how they too have wished and lived for this. and all I thought was that I'm trying to make a difference, again walking blind to somewhere I dont know. something i read somewhere, someone i met, or the paths of others I crossed, so vividly live in my memory right now. I made big mistakes trying to form my destiny to coexists with them, to think that I could be the master, that i could subjugate their lives - even when I thought it was for the good, for the times when I thought I can help them make it better.

I am no hero, I am no God. however long and however hard I try, the people around me and for the people who knows me, they have their own fates to live. fixed paths to face the attrition's in life as it gradually weakens even their soul, the life-scapes that they will have to complete with what ever jigsaw piece given. so why do I again and again try to make a difference that will not happen, I dont know. nothing gave me the rights to write on their books of life, or on their walls for that matter. the honesty of their lives are much more genuine than mine, their strive for success I cant match. I just need to go on my own path. somehow at this point, I just cant attribute anything to anyone, or even match their speed or achievements for me to be equal. I can only feel proud from far away.

the whole idea of this salvation was to figure how the next part of my life would be. after some serious thinking, and good advice from people I trust, I figured that coming back home is not a solution and it will never work. I cant find anything at home anymore, there's no connections left for me to justify my living here or even to live somewhere near. I have ambitions and desires to reside elsewhere, not even where I live now. I cant even find a reason how I can be so confused at this age in life, let alone facing the uncertainty of making decisions that I dont want. But life will seem a little less mysterious when everyone is open, to give you an idea of what should have been, what should be done. Its not dropping hints, its about showing the way. so perhaps this salvation journey did give me one or two definitive answers. For now, those answers are to respect other peoples opinions and decisions, and to just move away from here. Someone told me long ago that I have a net to fall back, a comfort zone. I never did, he never knew me. But life itself, however good will not give a comfort zone because it has to be carved out. I have no capability of making people understand. Then to go somewhere else for good might be the only solution for now.


where do I go now?

early last week i got this sms from a buddy who's leaving for India for good. The survival of the sms is another miracle, i tend to delete anything that comes to the cell when i'm half asleep...the tone of the message will invite the fingers to delete it...mst be some psychological disease, but somehow his one escaped. but I did not open it, just tought it could be nothing more than asking me why I havent dropped by my usual 4 am supper/ whatever its called. well this buddy is actually a waiter at a restaurant i so religiously frequent, been doing that for nearly 4 years now. I am too darn lazy to go to other places, let alone try new food. yeh and no, im not weird. jst being very territorial, coz the ppl there are very very friendly. Kinda saw them grow the business there, from one hell to another. Cant quite remember the times these guys been picked up by the immigration, or some other government agency. and I get food discounts too, and for most of the time they wont even take money. which being somewhat seen that done that been there dude I think I am, id jst take the money and get something from seveny or some DVD's for them to watch.

and back to the Chennai story, this guy, like the hundreds of others Ive met over the years are totally sick of their routine. you cant imagine how working 12 to 16 hours non stop trying to please every damn people out there is like. this is the food business, which i cant think of anything else to compare right now. but all I know is, one miss order, or one bland plate of noodles, and you can hear every single vulgarity you got to know since creation added with racial taunts and finally if your too damn unlucky; flying plates. and there was me, always sitting at the same table, almost always the same drink and oh well...the same kinda food. and they liked me coz i dont say anything in return, just smile and wave all the time. and i was looked upon as the wise dude who doesnt seem to sleep. bad press from my housemate. and i feel for this ppls hardship, their shitty pay and the fact that its been like 5 whole years they havent seen their family, children, friends, etc.

hence, this occasion of going away for good must be good! after making sure he got his tickets right, the date, time and what else needed and managing to convince him not to renew his work permit here, he left. and not before my housemate took him around the city, to places he havent been in 5 years, despite the twin towers being only 20 miles away...depressing indeed. and not before i scrambled for an envelope at 5 am before his flight to give him some well deserved dough...not sure if its bribe or appreciation, but i just tell them all, every single of the 6 ppl who have left this year that its my tiny contribution for their wedding. I dont know how long 1000+ rupees will last in India. and much to the anger and 'what the heck is this guy thinking' look from the restaurant manager. well heck, its my bucks, and I will give him watever I want, I said that loudly to him that day. and no I wont get to hold the cable remote anymore, so I heard from my housemate today. and the quick goodbye, and well some tears did swell...knowing that its impossible for me to meet him or any of the others ever.

brings me to some 12 or 13 years ago when we had the same kind of pledge with some Bangladeshis at the mall. they were very nice people, and those were the times when foreign workers were allowed to man the cash register. by the time the holiday job ended, i had places to and family to stay with in nearly all Bangladeshi cities! and then the temple builders, the artisans (?) who would drop by at the house for friday lunch, and getting extra special attention at the temple for that. the fact was, I did not know much about nationalities or international workers exchange at that time. all i know was they talked english or tamil. and I would teach them my Kedah Malay dialect, very broken at that time. and then the customary swear word in a few different language. those were the good times. they left too.

and then it was the exchange students at uni, now this bunch of idiots i never liked. coz here I am the product of tax paying born here citizens of this country having to pay for everything i touch and use at uni and all this middle eastern guys didnt even have to pay a cent. and they can even buy cars! so no foreign friends at uni, except for the professors you so have to kowtim to get good marks. sleeping being given extra credit marks in the low 0.00 gpa every semester, I aced it very well. and much to the amusement of some research lecturer from Bangalore who tried to feed me molecular electronics, and much to the pissing off of another desi professor from Singapore, we jst had fun going zombie during classes. then it dawned, at the core we hated professional foreigners...because theyre snobs too! reminds me of the senior research scientist at the fab i used to intern. who, despite knowing his slangified American English, will always insist on using a 3rd person in addressing us. rare breed i think...and hope. and the same happened at work, in office that is. coz despite being given a condo to live in, a car with driver to come to work, my projects vendors ill always come to office at 10 am and start the day dissing how bad Malaysia is and how good India is. oh boy.

but the fact of the matter is, me and this waiter buddies. we dont talk this stuff at all. it will always be the movie review marathon, the singing competition or just plain old badmouthing the boss conversations. man it was good, the first thousand times we did it. :D which also means that i dont order the regular semi luxury food anymore, coz i cant eat that infront of them knowing they dont get anything decent too. its complicated, bt thats the way I am. and they get no holidays except for Eid, and no deepavali at all since its a Muslim restaurant. ive seen some closing on Deepavali, bt most doesnt. and they all are leaving, left, never coming. and i figured that I have invites to about a dozen countries now and really effective ways of saving my lodging costs. but now I just sit here and think, where do I go now since I dont have any reference point in my 24hrs work life. too many of them have left, where do I go now? ive been promising for ages, and then all of them have gotten married, had kids, etc. and i still wonder what happened to the ones i have lost contact. there is something waiting for me in India...if I choose to go anytime soon. or something is reminding me of going there...since ive been dreaming of it alot lately. when do I go then?!!!

[#] kinda unedited...thx for reading!!!

Thursday, August 28

Blogger Updates: Followers

Blogger has released a new feature today. You can read all about it at [Followers_Buzz]. This function lets you see the followers of your blog, basically taking over what Technorati has been doing all this while - in a much simpler/ cooler interface. Long live minimalists! Near the bottom of your new blogger dashboard, you can see the Reading List with a new tab added to let you add blogs to follow, and also manage the links, either you want to follow them anonymously or public. In return, you can add a widget to your blog to show who you are following. A great feature indeed, now you can find all your Internet stalkers, estranged crushes, etc.

* Not all bloggers will have this right now, will be rolled out to everyone in the weeks to come. And also, to get the updates right make sure you activate and set your blog feeds properly.

[updated] Some ScreenShots - The whole concept seems nice, makes stuff easy. Unless you've been using Google Reader, this might really help you in managing blogs that you follow. But, the follower list also appears in your Profile page...which kinda makes it long and not so nice. The list will only disappear if you follow other bloggers in Anon mode.


The new Dashboard with the followers count.

This is how the reading list looks like.


Wednesday, August 27

Resonance II

Here's the rest of the Batu Caves snaps.




Cave temple






Cave entrance



272 stairs...not for the couch potato nerd. It will feel like your knees just fell of :D

The dude, my brother. And yeh, hes a talaivar fan...grrr...


The cave complex itself is ancient, very beautiful. There are several caves where they offer exploration tours, etc.



Long way down, or long way up. The end will always be the same. God Bless.


[#] Trying to post all the snaps that I have before I get a dslr this weekend. I cant wait.

Kahin To Hogi Wo


[+] Kahin To Hogi Wo from the movie Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na

[#] Been a long while since I watched any Hindi movie, this song is good.

Red

what do they see in you
as they fly in their machines
sweeping across your red plains
when you were alive
the canals and atoms
never seem to be apart

i seek closure
in this loops of waves
remnants of ancient turbulence
i seek closure
from the winds of creation

let them die slowly
and let the red rust
cover the planet
swallowing every memory

-gp-

[#] what moves you, fractured realities again.

Tuesday, August 26

A Decade, and Still Learning

In the months to come, it would be 10 years since I've came out from my sleepy hollow and traveled to the university and a different state. From schools and soccer fields, to dorm rooms and lecture halls. Fiddling the night away on uninspiring microscopes, lasers and sensors, magical instruments for scientists, another blind journey for me, snatching away my hours, once page at a time. How do I summarize all this? 10 long years, of learning and giving up, how observing life went from love and assurance, to confusion to insanity to building a wall around me to write off everyone I met in this 10 years. Being away from home teaches us a lot, meeting people teaches us more and when we inadvertently peek into their own turbulent lives, it gets better each day to know how this world works from their movements, our perspective.

I wonder if all this is because of age. Something about growing old again, this incessant feeling that wont go away. I cant accept the fact of time passing by, of people getting old and worst still, people changing. In a hypocritical existence, we can accept the fact that the world is changing, but would not want to give humans going through change a chance to justify their lives. And justifying seems everything that we live for nowadays.

It was a liberation won with no war, moving away from home and the freedom that came with it. How strangely all that seems pointless, for freedom was already there, it was only tied to trust and our willingness to break some to take it. It was all mine, now I know. It can be behind closed doors, but I just needed to open it to take it. Leave behind the eyes and mouths that try to justify your life, behind the door is another life. But the problem has always been satisfaction. Show me more, what is here is not enough.

In the mornings, during the lecturers, many saw their future, I saw lies. What about all the things I wanted to learn, I did not, because I was not given the chance to question them. Same as in school, same as in the textbooks, same again in the boards and slides to the simulations. It was all prearranged, fabricated to perfection, then left to crumble into old age. And I have been reading science and science fiction since primary, accidentally but glad for life I found those books and articles. My expectations were high, very very high. But what you get here are watered down equations of nothingness, quantum fractures even Einstein would not have deciphered. Local universities are dead, and I found this out in the 1st year itself. And that is something you don't need to learn in the first year itself.

There were two places at uni that I cherish the most. My hostel room, which had my bed and computer. Would not want to live without them, I love sleeping, I love movies and games more. The next would be the library. I loved the library, most of the times being the only dude skipping class to go to the library, and that too not to sleep in the ac that is. I was reading everything, especially scavenging the journal archives, to graphic design books to hard core science that I never understood. At some moments I felt alive just by touching them, and reading random pages. I still go to the library, using my old matrix cards, or just walking in, waving at the old staff who knows me. I still get to borrow books a full year after stopping my research because of a registration system flaw, and I do really hope they never find out.

When it came to interaction, to humans basically, they all sucked. There were none of the band of brothers I saw in TV, none of the everlasting friendship that you smile and cry for in the books and movies. Everyone had their own ideals, and it was no place for honesty...or let me be raw, fresh tube lights like me. I realized in a few short months there, people just don't care what you know or what you want to 'know'. It was all about contribution, about who gives the most of what. Translated: If your willing to sacrifice away your sanity and dignity for the popularity of moments, for the one night stand of the masses, not sex, but the willingness of you to confirm to your race and to identify with the clans. You would understand this if you're Indian in universities...at least in minority countries. They don't want anything to do with studying, everything is branded survival for those random moments of joy and false satisfaction. Shattered dreams are cured with booze and drugs, they had their moments of glories, etched to live in memories for decades, and they are proud of it. And no thinking different here, some did, some achieved, but for the weak and the wanderers, there is nothing much to do. There was no friends for life, there were no dreams to start with, to live for and to die for. More turbulence.

In looking back, I often realized its not much about what you gather from the confusion that really forces or pushes you forward. Its more of the friends you make, the connections and network that will define the rest of your life. When you loose even one element on this, you will break the cycles and are left on your own. Whats worst in this road is when you know you are already out of the loop and still want to walk on. This is the part of life when you learn the most, because this too are the years you fail most. There would be days you would not even want to look at the sun, let alone faces. Everything can fail monumentally, no plans are good enough, and everything will haunt you for life. After graduating, the survivors are faced with truths of their future. Its either we choose the dream or we go with the flow. Want an advice for a trouble free life? DON'T CHOOSE THE DREAM. And no, YOU SHOULD FOLLOW THE DREAM, always. Understand me, one is reality, another is a path through the real life. Those are two different things.

The crossroads takes you to the job world, or the postgraduate hell. At this point, it comes down to your will and strength. None of which I had I think. All I had was a dream, it went on. In chaos, nothing will settle, not even a single path. Reading my past posts, you would have known about the problems with my housemate, my studies and my faculty. Repeated many times that it, but I still cant get it across the way I like. I cant justify it, I cant satisfy myself in blaming me, or others. This 5 years of hell, as I always refer to them, were eye openers. I learned more, I got to know the shallow, mindless drones that litter the labs and lecture halls and streets. For those moments I have vivid pictures of them and I can tell them apart, one irritating soul at a time. How useless they are, how wrong they are and why they should not exist. The years of a postgrad student are mind numbing, are important yet its like walking through the den of lions. Not the ones who eat you, but the ones who taunt you and shred you but still refuse to eat you. I still bleed from the chains of those years.

And we still moved on. My life, yours and ours. Are we doing the right thing, are we threading the wrong path, where we will end up. No one knows. Taking life, a day at a time is good. Its important, thats what I learned. Family and friends wont understand, but neither did the world nor time stop when each tyranny and sin was committed. What I learned today meant nothing, but the precious moment of knowing and understanding and living the lives of others, those are priceless.

What will take me to live another decade, restart or reboot this life, I still dont know. How do we assure others we are good and strong, those are open questions, but I know pain and suffering must lie somewhere in there, before we reach the end. What we live for, I dont want to think about, what we wish for, I do know. In those 10 years, there was love, there were achievements. I cant forget any of them, as shallow they seem, as stupid they feel, those are real things. What did I pick up, I know, its the wisdom of the thousands of sane, manic, rebellious, idle, beautiful, flowing, serene, dreaming and bleeding minds. Those are enough to form a world, at which we can look back at any time, to see what still needs to be filled. I want to see that world. In the end of this decade long slow process of learning, I still have some voids to fill and answer. But the most important effort would be to let people know, the ones that I love and follow, what they mean to me and hoping in return for them to understand me. And by wanting that, figuring a way to give them the assurance that it is worth knowing me and trusting me. What else does a time traveler need?

[#] I'm expecting changes, I just pray to God they're not painful. I dont like surprises much, like the one life threw at me today, like the ones I will face soon and in the months to come . I'm just too afraid to face each one of them.

Monday, August 25

Birds of Paradise

The road trip this time was to search for the Birds of Paradise. We found it, sort of, in a private zoo, up north of Peninsular Malaysia. Enjoy the photos, loads of them, might take a while to load.

The Birds of Paradise

The adult male Bird of Paradise (this particular species is the Paradisaea Minor)



The tail feather of the bird, is considered a lucky charm for many at this part of the world. It is know to have immense powers, if kept by the right people. And it costs quite a lot to buy the feathers. Apparently the birds sheds the tail feathers in cycles. In this photo are two preserved birds. Well preserved birds of certain genus of the species can fetch hundreds of thousands of dollars.

This plant is called the Birds of Paradise plant.

The Lye Huat Garden / Zoo

Deers are beautifully boring! (you can quote me on that)

The bird park was awesome, they had lots of species from around the world, like this some Eagle...
Lots of parrots, swans, birds of paradise, etc.

You had to pity the monkeys, they looked miserable, probably yearning for something.

There are a number of ponds with Japanese carp (koi's) and swans.


The Arowana aquariums had some terrapins too.

Is this an emu?...or some bird...I dunno. Bt it had a cool horn.

Did a few macro shots, my Z2 was having dslr inferiority complex.

I know a few bloggers to feed to you buddy.

And the fun (and embarrassment)


That is Vijay @BBD playing music...or something. Each ancient Chinese bell creates a diff pitch of sound.

Aim for the sky...and destroy the competition.

Ancient Bloggers wrote a lot too.


...and walking bears... (Sun Bears)

A couple of lame tigers...oh there are so many 'moving' ones in NatGeo. Grrr...

BBD horsing around. Bahahahahaha!


The entrance to Lye Huat Garden. This place is really good considering we dont have a decent zoo in the Northern parts. Well maintained and loads of things to see. There is a huge rock garden/collection. An Arowana farm/aquarium, A terracotta park, bird park, some tigers, crocodiles and Sun Bears and monkeys.
Its located after the last highway exit near Bukit Kayu Hitam. Quite near to the Thailand Border. Follow the link for the address.

[#] Travelers; Kumar, Ghost n Vj (oh and this trip happened after they've tried unsuccessfully to get me into Thailand...mwahahaha I win!)
[+] Lye Huat Garden

Did you see that!!!

Happy, happy Beijing. Another spectacular show. The closing ceremony was extraordinary. Felt like watching something from Trantor. They did not spare anything, and it was a wonderful mixture of the future and the present, of goodwill and sportsmanship. Amazing, no words. And London has a huge task of surpassing this, if they choose. And again, a London Double Decker, David Bechkam and Jackie Chan?! Did you see that! I ask you.

And for wishing for the stars, yet achievable/reachable...lets meet in London 2012!

Sunday, August 24

Resonance

And finally we meet...







[#] I used to question the need. Now I feel it was more than a need, maybe, such as an identity for the people of the lost homelands, evolving religions, a cultural standpoint, rather than an excess of human ability and resources. He stands perfect, a precise art of relevance, when people dont search for what they already have. They just reaffirm, relive and celebrate.

[+] Batu Caves

Saturday, August 23

Together We Will Live Forever




Ages journey with light speed
tracing life on souls and names
you and I whisper hopes
unknowingly finding tears

-gp05-



[#] This is also be my 800th post...damn I feel old.
[+] The ending of the movie The Fountain, such beautiful imagery.

Friday, August 22

lonely hearts of the cosmos

if its no the warmth that we yearn
during monsoon seasons and black nights
that we painted in our imagination
as existing in other worlds, too
what we seek across the sky
sailing the fringe galaxies
among nova's and nebulae
immersed in majestic neutrinos
in eternity ships
floating among star systems
in eager waiting for signs
of life reaching from the many worlds
reflections in many eyes
of the lives of the lonely hearts
as they headed as cosmic infants
to the ends of the universe

~awakening, 2099
~timelines flowing forward.

[+] Related maybe, It is such a good book; [LonelyHeartsOfTheCosmos]

Test/E-mail Post/Huh?

Silent as she always was
the reddening stars did not sway her
much as he wanted to see
her reach for the red button.
and it went nova.

killing them all.

Tuesday, August 19

Crumbling

on the far tables
are open books, strewn neglected
approaching another dawn
leaving the occasional visitor
to seek their meanings

the crumbling pages
with inks of some language
with meanings to some heart
through careful inspection
came to view tragedies

~in a few mutinous sad spheres
they lived, cultures undulating
timeless faces and languages
that once populated this books

in the death of some
and the extinction of their ways
pages were torn
the books are thinner now
but kept safe
their masters resting in ageless earth

glory to the fractured histories
gathered from this incomplete books
what’s written in blood are forgotten
what was vague is now retold
as the newcomer's history
and they push back time
and the edges of sand
to pasts never existing
memories rewritten
paths came into existence
where jungles enchanted before

I see false lines and times
when they speak and act
like they own this earth
but I am assured by time itself
that they are insignificant
just as
the histories they created
will break apart soon
and all that remains are more books
strewn across library floors
when shelves, the foundations crumble
and they face the reluctant
destiny

-gp08-


[+] Not to be taken too seriously, I don't know what I wrote, and I cant stop myself, its another of that 10 minutes thingy. Somehow I miss the library, I just need to find time to return and get lost among the shelves.
[+] I did a picture post of the library long ago. And the poem I wrote in the library;

Of Ages and Questions

An October evening creeping near,
upon a flight of stairs I tire,
endless formations of spaces clear,
welcoming me in uneasy desire.

Invisible wind(s) brushing past,
blind as it is to see but it must,
fervently I try to catch its tail,
hope to fly away in a mystery sail,

A greeting, some threading and blue ties,
with it rows of books and age old mites,
one too many faces and repeating threes,
three friends with three books on three floors.

Decades of books, journals and chairs,
left to perish along with some king,
minions and archers on high shelves,
and a bonfire made of Eliot’s and old Jung.

Beautiful faces and shiny eyes,
no not the devil or its bride,
just slaves tracing ageless lexis,
who among many might one day write.

Time and sunset subsequently alight,
pages and shelves feast delight,
astronomers and artist are searching right,
a few books, Sylvia and an endless night.

-gP2005-03/10/05-

[+] 4 more days to salvation. And things are not looking good, read the post below if you want to know why.

Rules

All this freedom of working from home, there are some rules that's more debilitating than being trapped in an 8 to 5. For one, trust in the freelancing world, if lost once, is lost forever. And no matter how much we say and do to alleviate the problem, it just sticks around to gnaw at you each and every time. Suddenly I realized its not so much the glamor of servicing the worlds biggest companies that's need to be celebrated, its the perseverance and honesty in honoring my contracts. The saddest part of all this is, there are no moments of that right now, every single element in a professional relationship with a client, have broken down. I'd like to be optimistic about so many things, like lesson learned, experience gained, etc. But there is no stumbling block greater than loosing clients while being self-employed or freelancing. And to be pessimistic, the natural self that I am, this has been the worst and strangely one defining month for me. Now I regret that defining moment ever happening, because the incapacity I am in right now to plan out the next few days.

Having realized all my past devils coming back at me again, the very things I ran away from, and the very habits I worked so hard to eliminate, I am marooned somewhere I don't know the way out. So life is still ruled by laws, and rules and linearity. And I thought all this while I worked out of it, in an eccentric path to freedom from whatever is holding me down. But now I realize I have worked out of sync with the rules. What looks like gems, ought to be left alone, or be picked up, defined by the character of the person. What are gems, if picked up the person might have plans for it, might have moments with a few paths to achieve his motivations. If not picked up, then the person has already set his plans straight, has mastered the rules. Its all about opening doors, picking up the best leads, choosing the right person, living the correct life. But then why are there still people who cant find a path in bright daylight.

Many things I realized today, after countless emails that is, I cant correct situations that had broken the rules. And I still give reasons, and that eats into me as well. The words are breaking the remaining links and trusts further, and I bet they have seen it all and heard it all no matter what we say. And of course I cant go telling I'm sick, or I'm heartbroken, will it even be in the contractors clause, I don't know 'coz I did not read it. But the idea of how simple a professional relationship can 'sink' to also reflects how easy and fragile work delegations has become, how it is just thrown around electronically, while they expect us to grapple with its quantum and majesty. I did understand its importance, its pure form and its results, but it was a long time ago. Its all down to survival now.

There is nothing worst than making your fingers form sentences outlining what the brain reflects in moments of despair. How true it has become that the life's diaries are now open, as a lesson to everyone. That much I would like to assume. And definitely, I hope to make sure, this moments don't repeat, but the incomprehensible mind still fails to give me solution. I am for now at a lost, for all the solutions has depleted, for this moment, I am just combining away sentences in robotic consciousness, hoping to finish it, rather than hoping to understand it.

And I could not thank more to everyone who prayed for me, while this thought of love still warms my heart, I can only figure that even in their lives they have faced the worst, and are still facing much. I thank you for the phone calls, rest assured I am figuring this out, I will be fine. But I am just at too much in a quandary right now on how to answer to others who hope on me and have faith for a different future. For every answer I seem to have for questions thrown at me, believe me, inside of me there are no strength of will. I have been someone I am not, acted out of emotions to someone special, that I regret much, that I am still utterly devastated and confused. That I hoped for a moment my heart wont have made me put such high hopes on anything, but I realized that was my character painting me so. But that is also the inconsistent mind rumbling on deciphering destinies, that makes me worry and peer deep into their hearts that I so much want to know the contents. But these are also some rules that I have no answer for, I wish could be broken, could be set aside for believing I can do everything to achieve my dreams.

What I still don't understand is, in moments on insecurity, disappointment, and being lost, the urge for me to write is greater that ever. Maybe its my mind giving me reasons to justify the rules I have broken, but this doesn't absolve my actions. Never will.

Thursday, August 14

Glossolallia

Glossolallia Ver 1.1 is out, feels so good to be published. Glossolallia is a great effort by Kristen in gathering and publishing Flash Fiction from around the word. Two of my short works made it for this publication, thanks again Kristen for the invitation. Just click and download the work featured on the front page of the Glossolallia site. Excellent contributions by the authors from around the world.


[+] Glossolallia

[+] The About Page

Cycles of Survival

Diminutive skills are no answer for the implosion of the mind. What the mind can't reach, the fingers can’t comprehend, can’t produce. The cycle of death succumbs to the cycle of survival, and we go for another ride. God help me in this, again.

What About This Old Souls, That They Can't Live a Normal Life.



A Juncture

To take the leap, for a newer tomorrow, or to take the lead for a better tomorrow. Its all about what you teach and what you learn. Its either you choose to teach, or you choose to learn. And then the path is only one. You choose. If you choose to lead, which means you must teach, then you must know what you want to teach. If you don't know what you can teach, that means you are not ready to lead, then you opt to learn. One path only. But you realize, that one path contains both the elements.

Do we ask?

Yes.

Tell me, what you want to learn from me. Tell me also, what you can share with me. I believe that is the spirit of survival and the idea of a blog. To teach is to Share. To learn is to Share.

Tuesday, August 12

Fade

shattered pieces of the crimson heart
lay dead and whiter among
the sedimentary particles
at the bottom of the sea
deep

~ is death just a cycle
of hope and failure
or achievement
in making the other(s)
understand
their role

-gp-



[#] Relieving Realities, heartbroken.

Sunday, August 10

Fractured Reality



[#] Brain block, need to work but cant, stuck in an alternate reality.

[#] Original [
]
[+] Image manipulated fcking easily with the kickass Paint.Net

Saturday, August 9

Flashback 1988 - Seoul Olympics

The Beijing 2008 Opening was amazing, the stadium is spectacular, never thought they could pull it off. But it was an excess of money, 100 million for fireworks alone?!!!, and they blew the theme song. In retrospective, watch the theme song from the 1988 Seoul, Korea Games. 20 years on, it is still one of the best openings, alongside Barcelona 1992.



chorus:
hand in hand we stand
all across the land
we can make this world a better place
in which to live
hand in hand we can
start to understand
breaking down the walls
that come between us for all time

[+] Watch the rest of the videos of the 1988 opening ceremony.[Seoul-1988]

Thursday, August 7

Near Hell Experience


80 miles an hour
1000 feet drop
a moment of euphoria
utter stupidity


[#] Do not drive and take photos.

Monday, August 4

Something about work...

...staring at the ceiling fan again, almost 10 years since the reason came to stare at it. It makes you reflect your life, go on an emotional journey of sorts, check where you are in life and hopefully keep you on the right path.

Something about work, I realized just now, and actually got up from bed to write this. By the end of this month, I would have collectively translated 500,000 words in countless projects in 2008. Doing that in 8 months, and doing it almost alone, that 'must' be a big achievement. I dont know if I will get to 1 million words by the end of the year, projects are coming fast and thick and the deadline is seriously depressing to say the least. It is work, I have to remind this to myself everyday. All the time people think I'm minting money, but rarely do they stop to consider this is my job. And what money do I mint, I'm not sure, but if working 18 to 20 hours a day is considered worth what I get paid for 'from the mint', then this is not the life I want. But something is in there driving me forward.

Its all moving forward for a purpose, whether I realize it or not life is happening. And the reflection of life shows that I get to do things I thought would be impossible for me to do. Wish for the impossible. From my first job as a mall cashier till to date, all this are something I at countless moments say I will never be able to do. I guess it all started and ended in realization of I not ever going to socialize. But the first job made me face people. And the second and third and fourth job made me sit in offices staring at faraway windows thinking 'what the hell am I doing here'. And it went on. But this job, freelancing was something I did do out of fear...of deadlines. While most of the jobs required good amount of faking, and well strategy to get past the lunch break and counting down the hours till we get home, self employment leaves no room for a break. What pretenders can't do, what they cant pretend doing, is working full time completing projects imho - there is no escape route here unless you want to seriously damage your reputation and career path.

So how did it all come down to this point seems so trivial now, it was straightforward hit me one more time, countless times. I get to do this and that and never stop doing it. Finishing one file after another, learning one tool after another and just watch the money come (and disappear) in quantum solidarity. I did not break and laws of physics here. I dont want to answer questions to myself if I am doing the right thing. Because my brain wishes I slept a decent 6 hours a day, my body does too. Its a love hate situation, but at times the work manages to save my life. The materials morph enough times to keep my eyes see fresh new things. And I always think how this puzzle will fit, so the final product looks less scary, less of a linguistic disaster and more of a 2D flat world where our souls exists today. The electronic form.

500,000 words is really a lot in translators workflow, if I can calculate a generous 7 words translated per minute, this takes about 50 full days of effective work (the number of hours called effective which in practise equates to double the amount towards preparation, execution and quality control). It is also finger numbing, mind bending work. The amount of times I broke down because of this. Keeping in mind I dont know why I go forward doing this, but I just do it. In moments of madness where work goes on for more than a day, two days and even three, the quality suffers, fingers tremble and eyesight falters. And knowing how stingy I am in outsourcing and how harsh I can be on others who help on this work for me, all this 'errors' that I keep encountering is really degrading. But I keep on going. What drives me I dont know.

At this stage, I am still not sure what I want to be doing till the rest of my working age, I wished for so many impossibles but I forgot to wish for the impossibility of being a physicist. I always thought I am a scientist, thus marking the grand failure in that field. That was one ego that I did not think I had but eventually dealt a severe blow - To something I still am accounted for every time I hit the Indian equivalent of socializing. Deepavali. Birthdays. Hospital visits. And I dont know what to wish for next, I want to wish for something really crazy that I myself must go 'the hell I can do that to make it happen'. Maybe an architect, though I draw lousy. And there is no job driving around the world, is there?

This rant wont stop, but let me end it by saying thanks...

How did I ever enter this field. I must thank Stephen Baxter one day for that, for introducing Fred to me. What sparked of as a virgin idea, a small test and fluke maybe but eventually I did it. Fred showed me the way, the client list then tips, and not tricks since there is no tricks in this field - The client has considerably seen them all and done it all. A here I am following his path, his finger-clicks to projects which seemed so far fetched but surprisingly how near it is and how local it feels. How do I ever explain to anyone who asks genuinely 'Did you really do that?' Fred? Two guys commanding two major languages, great powers...etc etc etc. Or is this all a fluke of mine? And why am I turning this into some superhero thing? Translator Man!

My brothers, well this part will be even harder to sort out. But one translated a popular email client into Tamil and loads of medical materials and another is banging his keyboard to countless questionnaires and manuals - while loudly reminding me of paying him. Though he is still bugged at me for not invoicing his projects, he likes doing this I think. But they're not as 'super impressed' with this whole thing as me. Life goes on. Let them be the social version of me, and leave me being the silent Ghost. Let my fingers do the talking (?)

The BBD, partner in crime, in scheming diabolical plans to go into...well...farming. From computers to farms, well you might never know. He is the DTP extraordinaire. Dude, stay in office. Honestly :)

I seem to have everything covered at this point, but I refuse to plan it and put it into structure. I still prefer to work on the edge, still using my 5 year old AMD - PC for work. Still not doing proper accounts. It seems so loose and scattered but I do see organization in this chaos, sometimes witnessing everything stringing and joined together by lines of importance. And I hope this edge goes on for a long time, and saving me from falling at the right moments with enough of a recovery plain. Let the tapestry being knit by invisible forces accommodate my burdens more. Or share less of it with me.

What frustrates the mind is how fast this started, may well end unexpectedly. But lives of legends stand testimony of great things that happen, when we least expect it and when we dont wish for the return journey. It's a way forward. Only.

when

it rains around the world sleep welcomes the dream, and  enigmatic souls awaken along the eternal shores of destiny