if life is to understand, then I did not give much effort to it. everyone has ambitions, works hard for it and lives its glory. I do to. something that I should have realized earlier, this salvation, is like a pilgrimage through the hardest moments in my life. i'm looking back at things that I could have done better. it is good sometimes to do this, i rarely if not at all take anything from the past for the pure purpose of solution. i realized long before that nothing can satisfy my needs, hence i need to wake up to a new day - everyday. and that was what university was for. but it was worthless to think that when we gave everything, the forces that be did not appreciate the efforts. and then looking back also, I did not live the philosophy that i so much wanted to follow, only yearning for another new face, another new day. it was like looking for the cover, not wanting to explore the content of such books of life.
so this past one week, as i tried so hard to form some sort of a clear route to the future, i discovered the bare facts of life, that being in this time and moment we cant change anything for the future, because it has already happened. what was more heartbreaking was that I did not realize the same of others, how they too have wished and lived for this. and all I thought was that I'm trying to make a difference, again walking blind to somewhere I dont know. something i read somewhere, someone i met, or the paths of others I crossed, so vividly live in my memory right now. I made big mistakes trying to form my destiny to coexists with them, to think that I could be the master, that i could subjugate their lives - even when I thought it was for the good, for the times when I thought I can help them make it better.
I am no hero, I am no God. however long and however hard I try, the people around me and for the people who knows me, they have their own fates to live. fixed paths to face the attrition's in life as it gradually weakens even their soul, the life-scapes that they will have to complete with what ever jigsaw piece given. so why do I again and again try to make a difference that will not happen, I dont know. nothing gave me the rights to write on their books of life, or on their walls for that matter. the honesty of their lives are much more genuine than mine, their strive for success I cant match. I just need to go on my own path. somehow at this point, I just cant attribute anything to anyone, or even match their speed or achievements for me to be equal. I can only feel proud from far away.
the whole idea of this salvation was to figure how the next part of my life would be. after some serious thinking, and good advice from people I trust, I figured that coming back home is not a solution and it will never work. I cant find anything at home anymore, there's no connections left for me to justify my living here or even to live somewhere near. I have ambitions and desires to reside elsewhere, not even where I live now. I cant even find a reason how I can be so confused at this age in life, let alone facing the uncertainty of making decisions that I dont want. But life will seem a little less mysterious when everyone is open, to give you an idea of what should have been, what should be done. Its not dropping hints, its about showing the way. so perhaps this salvation journey did give me one or two definitive answers. For now, those answers are to respect other peoples opinions and decisions, and to just move away from here. Someone told me long ago that I have a net to fall back, a comfort zone. I never did, he never knew me. But life itself, however good will not give a comfort zone because it has to be carved out. I have no capability of making people understand. Then to go somewhere else for good might be the only solution for now.