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something about salvation

if life is to understand, then I did not give much effort to it. everyone has ambitions, works hard for it and lives its glory. I do to. something that I should have realized earlier, this salvation, is like a pilgrimage through the hardest moments in my life. i'm looking back at things that I could have done better. it is good sometimes to do this, i rarely if not at all take anything from the past for the pure purpose of solution. i realized long before that nothing can satisfy my needs, hence i need to wake up to a new day - everyday. and that was what university was for. but it was worthless to think that when we gave everything, the forces that be did not appreciate the efforts. and then looking back also, I did not live the philosophy that i so much wanted to follow, only yearning for another new face, another new day. it was like looking for the cover, not wanting to explore the content of such books of life.

so this past one week, as i tried so hard to form some sort of a clear route to the future, i discovered the bare facts of life, that being in this time and moment we cant change anything for the future, because it has already happened. what was more heartbreaking was that I did not realize the same of others, how they too have wished and lived for this. and all I thought was that I'm trying to make a difference, again walking blind to somewhere I dont know. something i read somewhere, someone i met, or the paths of others I crossed, so vividly live in my memory right now. I made big mistakes trying to form my destiny to coexists with them, to think that I could be the master, that i could subjugate their lives - even when I thought it was for the good, for the times when I thought I can help them make it better.

I am no hero, I am no God. however long and however hard I try, the people around me and for the people who knows me, they have their own fates to live. fixed paths to face the attrition's in life as it gradually weakens even their soul, the life-scapes that they will have to complete with what ever jigsaw piece given. so why do I again and again try to make a difference that will not happen, I dont know. nothing gave me the rights to write on their books of life, or on their walls for that matter. the honesty of their lives are much more genuine than mine, their strive for success I cant match. I just need to go on my own path. somehow at this point, I just cant attribute anything to anyone, or even match their speed or achievements for me to be equal. I can only feel proud from far away.

the whole idea of this salvation was to figure how the next part of my life would be. after some serious thinking, and good advice from people I trust, I figured that coming back home is not a solution and it will never work. I cant find anything at home anymore, there's no connections left for me to justify my living here or even to live somewhere near. I have ambitions and desires to reside elsewhere, not even where I live now. I cant even find a reason how I can be so confused at this age in life, let alone facing the uncertainty of making decisions that I dont want. But life will seem a little less mysterious when everyone is open, to give you an idea of what should have been, what should be done. Its not dropping hints, its about showing the way. so perhaps this salvation journey did give me one or two definitive answers. For now, those answers are to respect other peoples opinions and decisions, and to just move away from here. Someone told me long ago that I have a net to fall back, a comfort zone. I never did, he never knew me. But life itself, however good will not give a comfort zone because it has to be carved out. I have no capability of making people understand. Then to go somewhere else for good might be the only solution for now.


Comments

Salvation is when you ask yourself questions like this. You are doing good.
salvation :)
it almost alwyas comes after a dark period :)
whoch is why i never gloom let me down, cos i know i will face salvation at teh end of teh dark tunnel :)
Solitaire said…
Brilliantly written. It is very hard to write a post so clear, lucid, and yet so loaded with your own emotions.

Yes, it is true that sometimes we try to write our own plans on other's lives. And it may be wrong on our parts to do so for it is their life and not ours. Sometimes we are enmeshed, sometimes chained, sometimes connected. But what we all need to remember is that in the end we all live our own lives, the way it is destined to be.
Miladysa said…
A very touching post Ghostie. Well written and moving to read.


Each night I pray: "show me the light and the way" and each day I join the rest of us stumbling down the path to who knows where.

Life's all about changes.

[hugs]

M x
Ghost Particle said…
[gautami] thx gautami, ive asked this for so long now. This dont seem to turn out in our line at all. it will be quite depressing leaving, knowing that again after 10 years I will still be a tourist at my own home. coming back only for holidays.

[r/jane] i tried to be positive, i used to use this when im having bad - for days - migraines. something psychological I dont know, to stop the pain by giving my head assurance of the 'high period' after that. it kinda works like that also...false believes or true salvation, i wont know yet. bt what you said is very true. thx.

[sneha] thx da :)
well the truth is, I can't believe ive been making the same mistake over and over again. I also dont know what to do to not make the mistakes. i was trying hard not to project my senses on anyone, bt i still do everyday. I had tried silent times, i have tried going away, it doesnt work. the problem with life is, we need somewhere to stop, or somewhere to cling even for a short moment to recheck where we are heading. I did that I guess, jst that I did not pay attention before. come today I figured, there is nothing much else I can do but accept the fact that this path was to go forward, not to turn back. they will eventually get tired asking me to do this and that. bt i will never get tired finding the paths, new ways and salvation. just will miss so many people if i close the door, which i can and did before, bt it will take its toll, sooner or later. it is also utterly disappointing facing this facts. disappointed with myself for not respecting others spaces.

[milady] then we pray together each night, solution and salvation he will give. hopefully. id jst resign to believe for some of us, salvation comes later, even if it comes today i still will not be satisfied. i cant put the pieces together. my choices are not wrong, the paths are for now. thx milady, hugs.
Nahuatl said…
You should know that you are giving others what they need... at least to some. But you will never realize this until you are capable of stepping outside your skin.

You are a rebel.. a leader. Its natural that you'll face the trouble first, than others.

Note down one thing: you are maybe confused now, but when you will find the solutions, believe me, they will be the best - better than anyone else you know could decide. You have that spirit and talent. Never underestimate yourself.

You know.. i just had lots of booze.. so sorry if something sounds philosophical... hic!! oops
Ghost Particle said…
[nayan] holy smokes, u sound so HUMAN when drunk bro. i was already making up what u said when i saw ur msg ticker. well this really is different and good! mst note this when i see u, booze = good, less sarcastic nayan. bt less funny eh/

a leader + rebel...i wished to think that. I am that. I used to be that. A rebel I wont wash away, i am every single second. a leader, slowly slipped away...heh. u kno what bro, i might jst make it happen again, whats there to loose. just raise a storm, and when it settles, a new city will b build. Ill jst follow what Fred n ur self said, let time decide whats good for one part of my doubt. who knows, god might be smiling for that one tiny request im badgering him about nowadays.

tc bro, glad ur home rather than outside drunk man. and hope she is fine and happy too. :) as always, as always. its a long road ahead, bt u can do it too. i might be leaving some hints here, i am leaving bro. no question now, set my heart on it already...mst leave this setting that has been holding me back for years. bt i wont leave my blog :D i jst hope I can find a solution before January. thats what this post is about, together with salvation.
Nahuatl said…
Good.
Now get your ass working on it. You need anything, let me know.
Anonymous said…
bubai! see u in dubai!
Leni Qinan said…
I loved this post, Ghost.

You’re sensitive and positive, and very spiritual I must add, which is nice. Never underestimate you, you have a lot going for you.

Looking for your own way and finding the answers to your questions is hard and even painful, but there’s no choice. Some mistakes will be made, perhaps, but don’t regret them. We all have to learn from our own mistakes, and -what is most important-, make them only once.

You have to look for it. No one else can do that for you. It’s life. ;)
Ghost Particle said…
[nayan] yeh bro, i am. how did the party go? anyone missed me? :P :P

[anon] damn I know you too much to know its you. I learned from you too. :) dubai is a dessert, it doesn't make good settings for science fiction or nutcases or freelancers.

[leni] thx Leni, true enough I must stop doubting myself. I never want to regret this mistake, this is the best thing I have done. :) it was very helpful indeed to experience this, I would not want to wait forever for it to happen anyway. :) Im happy that you understood this post and me. And you shall know when I find the answers, and paths. thanks for the kind words Leni, I shall treasure it.
Dubai Walla said…
No no... this is me. The Dubai comment was not me la toke... u ah. every anon comment is not always mine.
Ghost Particle said…
[dubai walla] ler...how shud i know la...the person had the same sense of sarcasm+satire+anti-indran vibes. hemmm dude the vids turned boring...grrrr...
venus66 said…
Nice write. Full of emotions. Keep writing.:)

There is always a change to change, but do you take time off to change.

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