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Rules

All this freedom of working from home, there are some rules that's more debilitating than being trapped in an 8 to 5. For one, trust in the freelancing world, if lost once, is lost forever. And no matter how much we say and do to alleviate the problem, it just sticks around to gnaw at you each and every time. Suddenly I realized its not so much the glamor of servicing the worlds biggest companies that's need to be celebrated, its the perseverance and honesty in honoring my contracts. The saddest part of all this is, there are no moments of that right now, every single element in a professional relationship with a client, have broken down. I'd like to be optimistic about so many things, like lesson learned, experience gained, etc. But there is no stumbling block greater than loosing clients while being self-employed or freelancing. And to be pessimistic, the natural self that I am, this has been the worst and strangely one defining month for me. Now I regret that defining moment ever happening, because the incapacity I am in right now to plan out the next few days.

Having realized all my past devils coming back at me again, the very things I ran away from, and the very habits I worked so hard to eliminate, I am marooned somewhere I don't know the way out. So life is still ruled by laws, and rules and linearity. And I thought all this while I worked out of it, in an eccentric path to freedom from whatever is holding me down. But now I realize I have worked out of sync with the rules. What looks like gems, ought to be left alone, or be picked up, defined by the character of the person. What are gems, if picked up the person might have plans for it, might have moments with a few paths to achieve his motivations. If not picked up, then the person has already set his plans straight, has mastered the rules. Its all about opening doors, picking up the best leads, choosing the right person, living the correct life. But then why are there still people who cant find a path in bright daylight.

Many things I realized today, after countless emails that is, I cant correct situations that had broken the rules. And I still give reasons, and that eats into me as well. The words are breaking the remaining links and trusts further, and I bet they have seen it all and heard it all no matter what we say. And of course I cant go telling I'm sick, or I'm heartbroken, will it even be in the contractors clause, I don't know 'coz I did not read it. But the idea of how simple a professional relationship can 'sink' to also reflects how easy and fragile work delegations has become, how it is just thrown around electronically, while they expect us to grapple with its quantum and majesty. I did understand its importance, its pure form and its results, but it was a long time ago. Its all down to survival now.

There is nothing worst than making your fingers form sentences outlining what the brain reflects in moments of despair. How true it has become that the life's diaries are now open, as a lesson to everyone. That much I would like to assume. And definitely, I hope to make sure, this moments don't repeat, but the incomprehensible mind still fails to give me solution. I am for now at a lost, for all the solutions has depleted, for this moment, I am just combining away sentences in robotic consciousness, hoping to finish it, rather than hoping to understand it.

And I could not thank more to everyone who prayed for me, while this thought of love still warms my heart, I can only figure that even in their lives they have faced the worst, and are still facing much. I thank you for the phone calls, rest assured I am figuring this out, I will be fine. But I am just at too much in a quandary right now on how to answer to others who hope on me and have faith for a different future. For every answer I seem to have for questions thrown at me, believe me, inside of me there are no strength of will. I have been someone I am not, acted out of emotions to someone special, that I regret much, that I am still utterly devastated and confused. That I hoped for a moment my heart wont have made me put such high hopes on anything, but I realized that was my character painting me so. But that is also the inconsistent mind rumbling on deciphering destinies, that makes me worry and peer deep into their hearts that I so much want to know the contents. But these are also some rules that I have no answer for, I wish could be broken, could be set aside for believing I can do everything to achieve my dreams.

What I still don't understand is, in moments on insecurity, disappointment, and being lost, the urge for me to write is greater that ever. Maybe its my mind giving me reasons to justify the rules I have broken, but this doesn't absolve my actions. Never will.

Comments

Nahuatl said…
Much better!
Creativity evolves better when you suffer :)

But still, instead of focusing what you missed, focus on what can you do now. This is your last day of your life. What you gonna do about it?

Did you fix that crappy phone of urs?

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