Tuesday, August 26

A Decade, and Still Learning

In the months to come, it would be 10 years since I've came out from my sleepy hollow and traveled to the university and a different state. From schools and soccer fields, to dorm rooms and lecture halls. Fiddling the night away on uninspiring microscopes, lasers and sensors, magical instruments for scientists, another blind journey for me, snatching away my hours, once page at a time. How do I summarize all this? 10 long years, of learning and giving up, how observing life went from love and assurance, to confusion to insanity to building a wall around me to write off everyone I met in this 10 years. Being away from home teaches us a lot, meeting people teaches us more and when we inadvertently peek into their own turbulent lives, it gets better each day to know how this world works from their movements, our perspective.

I wonder if all this is because of age. Something about growing old again, this incessant feeling that wont go away. I cant accept the fact of time passing by, of people getting old and worst still, people changing. In a hypocritical existence, we can accept the fact that the world is changing, but would not want to give humans going through change a chance to justify their lives. And justifying seems everything that we live for nowadays.

It was a liberation won with no war, moving away from home and the freedom that came with it. How strangely all that seems pointless, for freedom was already there, it was only tied to trust and our willingness to break some to take it. It was all mine, now I know. It can be behind closed doors, but I just needed to open it to take it. Leave behind the eyes and mouths that try to justify your life, behind the door is another life. But the problem has always been satisfaction. Show me more, what is here is not enough.

In the mornings, during the lecturers, many saw their future, I saw lies. What about all the things I wanted to learn, I did not, because I was not given the chance to question them. Same as in school, same as in the textbooks, same again in the boards and slides to the simulations. It was all prearranged, fabricated to perfection, then left to crumble into old age. And I have been reading science and science fiction since primary, accidentally but glad for life I found those books and articles. My expectations were high, very very high. But what you get here are watered down equations of nothingness, quantum fractures even Einstein would not have deciphered. Local universities are dead, and I found this out in the 1st year itself. And that is something you don't need to learn in the first year itself.

There were two places at uni that I cherish the most. My hostel room, which had my bed and computer. Would not want to live without them, I love sleeping, I love movies and games more. The next would be the library. I loved the library, most of the times being the only dude skipping class to go to the library, and that too not to sleep in the ac that is. I was reading everything, especially scavenging the journal archives, to graphic design books to hard core science that I never understood. At some moments I felt alive just by touching them, and reading random pages. I still go to the library, using my old matrix cards, or just walking in, waving at the old staff who knows me. I still get to borrow books a full year after stopping my research because of a registration system flaw, and I do really hope they never find out.

When it came to interaction, to humans basically, they all sucked. There were none of the band of brothers I saw in TV, none of the everlasting friendship that you smile and cry for in the books and movies. Everyone had their own ideals, and it was no place for honesty...or let me be raw, fresh tube lights like me. I realized in a few short months there, people just don't care what you know or what you want to 'know'. It was all about contribution, about who gives the most of what. Translated: If your willing to sacrifice away your sanity and dignity for the popularity of moments, for the one night stand of the masses, not sex, but the willingness of you to confirm to your race and to identify with the clans. You would understand this if you're Indian in universities...at least in minority countries. They don't want anything to do with studying, everything is branded survival for those random moments of joy and false satisfaction. Shattered dreams are cured with booze and drugs, they had their moments of glories, etched to live in memories for decades, and they are proud of it. And no thinking different here, some did, some achieved, but for the weak and the wanderers, there is nothing much to do. There was no friends for life, there were no dreams to start with, to live for and to die for. More turbulence.

In looking back, I often realized its not much about what you gather from the confusion that really forces or pushes you forward. Its more of the friends you make, the connections and network that will define the rest of your life. When you loose even one element on this, you will break the cycles and are left on your own. Whats worst in this road is when you know you are already out of the loop and still want to walk on. This is the part of life when you learn the most, because this too are the years you fail most. There would be days you would not even want to look at the sun, let alone faces. Everything can fail monumentally, no plans are good enough, and everything will haunt you for life. After graduating, the survivors are faced with truths of their future. Its either we choose the dream or we go with the flow. Want an advice for a trouble free life? DON'T CHOOSE THE DREAM. And no, YOU SHOULD FOLLOW THE DREAM, always. Understand me, one is reality, another is a path through the real life. Those are two different things.

The crossroads takes you to the job world, or the postgraduate hell. At this point, it comes down to your will and strength. None of which I had I think. All I had was a dream, it went on. In chaos, nothing will settle, not even a single path. Reading my past posts, you would have known about the problems with my housemate, my studies and my faculty. Repeated many times that it, but I still cant get it across the way I like. I cant justify it, I cant satisfy myself in blaming me, or others. This 5 years of hell, as I always refer to them, were eye openers. I learned more, I got to know the shallow, mindless drones that litter the labs and lecture halls and streets. For those moments I have vivid pictures of them and I can tell them apart, one irritating soul at a time. How useless they are, how wrong they are and why they should not exist. The years of a postgrad student are mind numbing, are important yet its like walking through the den of lions. Not the ones who eat you, but the ones who taunt you and shred you but still refuse to eat you. I still bleed from the chains of those years.

And we still moved on. My life, yours and ours. Are we doing the right thing, are we threading the wrong path, where we will end up. No one knows. Taking life, a day at a time is good. Its important, thats what I learned. Family and friends wont understand, but neither did the world nor time stop when each tyranny and sin was committed. What I learned today meant nothing, but the precious moment of knowing and understanding and living the lives of others, those are priceless.

What will take me to live another decade, restart or reboot this life, I still dont know. How do we assure others we are good and strong, those are open questions, but I know pain and suffering must lie somewhere in there, before we reach the end. What we live for, I dont want to think about, what we wish for, I do know. In those 10 years, there was love, there were achievements. I cant forget any of them, as shallow they seem, as stupid they feel, those are real things. What did I pick up, I know, its the wisdom of the thousands of sane, manic, rebellious, idle, beautiful, flowing, serene, dreaming and bleeding minds. Those are enough to form a world, at which we can look back at any time, to see what still needs to be filled. I want to see that world. In the end of this decade long slow process of learning, I still have some voids to fill and answer. But the most important effort would be to let people know, the ones that I love and follow, what they mean to me and hoping in return for them to understand me. And by wanting that, figuring a way to give them the assurance that it is worth knowing me and trusting me. What else does a time traveler need?

[#] I'm expecting changes, I just pray to God they're not painful. I dont like surprises much, like the one life threw at me today, like the ones I will face soon and in the months to come . I'm just too afraid to face each one of them.


Mythily said...

Changes are permanent GP...

Cinderella. said...

Realisations are always a part and parcel of life bhai....and I think top of everything we need to realise that it is this life in my hand right now - which is happening to me, and with every second I am spending away, I am either making its essence futlie or making it worth my time....

Cz when-how-where-why it shall end you will never know....

Jeevan said...

Only we feel pain after injury.

bro it was a learning experience of your and hope let those are positive changes. Up to what we learn to understand brings enough effort and more than what they can give a proof.

Nahuatl said...

I am quite sure bengal tigers like confused chicken-shits.

Nahuatl said...

The day you stop comparing yourself, you'll live.

"I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine." - Bruce Lee

Learn to listen.

Solitaire said...

Congratulations and cheers. A decade of liberation and yet you seem to be in shackles bound by life. We all are in it together though it may seem we are alone.

Ghost Particle said...

[mythily] true enough, but im trying to change change itself. :) thx.

[cndy] u said it well girl, and we have to live it to the fullest to make it all worthwhile. Im always bugged by what could have happened, should hav happened, bt never really appreciated the moments. more than that, it bugs me alot to see people coming and leaving...jst too painful to digest. thx.

[jeevan] well said bro, only we can live the journey, only we can justify it. and its up to us to take the positives. I hope i shall never see a dead end, before my own time comes. thx.

[nayan] ohho...someone got his bolly profile up :P:P:P

I and the tiger, coexist. :)

Well its not so much of an expectation that we want, its jst acknowledgment and touch. Whats the point of life if there is no love or freedom. but both cant coexist.

why dont we jst hit back at life bro...jst live it. Into the Wild!

[sneha] the great fabric of existence, how many lonely people are actually hanging on to each other. I wish liberation came earlier, but i realized i had it all along before that - at a time when ppl did not see my potentials. now im slowly sinking back to the old ages because they still refuse to understand my potentials...which is not good. Drastic changes are needed to keep the momentum forward. as always, being with ppl u feel are understanding and can give a helping hand makes all the difference. hugs n thx.


it rains around the world sleep welcomes the dream, and  enigmatic souls awaken along the eternal shores of destiny