Wednesday, February 27

When Do You Become Someone?

I always think of a very good reason before I call home. When I was back in the university, it is mostly for money, never for advice. When I was doing (the now dead) postgrad studies it was slightly less about money, more because I was homesick and never for advice. And now when I got myself a decent job, albeit not a permanent one, I call home just to say hi. But every single time I am reduced to that depths of depression when I call people who somehow always, ALWAYS make me feel stupid and lost.

Its about lost hopes, and our families are not responsible for it but they go to all the unnecessary lengths to make it like we blew it big time. Well tough luck, sorry to give you the bad new, it has been blown, trashed, fcked to significantly insignificant proportions.

Before I go further, to the geniuses who seems to somehow find all the time in the world to advice my family on what is good and bad for me, and just happen to read my blog, please do go tell them what I wrote here too. Don't worry, I don't have anything against anyone, you are helping, but your ways doesn't sync with my path in life.

Somehow inside this huge, menacing looking self, there is a very emotional person. People don't realise that because I don't show it, never did to the men on the street and probably never will. And I hide this by being overly protective, judgmental, rude, strict and strangely enough very kind (when I'm in a good mood) to people. People who have been following my trash stories over the past 3 years would know me well. Those who have spent a lifetime with me know this well, but they are too stuck in their dimensions of right and wrong that they pretend not to know. Because I have been bad to hide my true self. I need this, everyone needs a shield to protect themselves from opportunist and fear mongers.

I don't need for people to tell me I'm getting old, I'm going to hit 30 and I need to get married, get a job, get life... What is life? Is it a crime for someone to have the capability to 'read' whats happening around himself, around the world, to people and their relationships and make a decision to 'document' it rather than follow it blindly. I don't want to join the herd. Make sense of it, spend some time studying me. I am smart, well beyond most people, and god forbid when I get my experiments with this life together I will be formidable. I am not a dictator, I am human. I want to live and do something, I don't want to live and waste everything. I can survive with a glass of water and some bread. I don't need pity because for all I knew, I did not get a genuine one. I am human and I know what pain is. I have scars that no one can heal. My deal with God is my path in life to either live it or loose it all. But hey, have I lost it before? No, and people know that. Because I am a survivor. Just because I am a devil and I am in a rut right now doesn't mean that I can be pushed around.

It is not my decision to become this, but it is the path, don't deny the path. Don't know what the path is, well why do you wake up tomorrow? Why don't you plan to wake up to do something tomorrow? That is the path. That is the way in life. I think I have found it, many times I did just to see it disappear, but the good things is that I learned about it. I learned alot, I learned more that anyone. I am egoistic, but its my principle. I want everyone to be good, I don't like liars, I lie for the good of people. I care. I believe in you.

I don't believe in marriage. But I believe in Love. I didn't get the love i wanted, I didn't get the kindness and leverage in life that I needed. Most did, and they don't have the right to judge me. Yet again, it is not about you, if you feel its directed to you. It is not about you, its about the ones behind you. The vultures. Those who don't die without sipping the blood of the weak. The problem with me and marriage is that I did not pass through love. I loved many, but I just didn't make the standard, they didn't make the cut, they are not human in my eyes. They are like aristocrat poets, they are fake, they see a made up world, made up by their lazy imaginations. They are fake. My love is real, but I grew up as an orthodox in a strange but content religion called Hinduism. More than the name, I love the colors and smell and culture. They did not permit me to do anything outside the boundary, hence i did not fall in love. Then came a period where responsibility mattered more that love and other lesser facets of life. So I decided to let go of it altogether and do my work, do what I need to do to survive. I shut out the door, then, and then why now is everyone asking me to open it and get married? Why is this parade of lies, when I am sure I wont find anyone I love anymore?

Reflect. I have came this far, I wont fail. But I have to follow my ways. Don't deny me my rights to do what I want. I am sure the sums will total up, I will clear the next hurdle, and the next, and then unlock the final doors before death. I will live till then. I will change things, I will make people happy, but never for once force me to do it before its time. I am working, I am doing what I want to do, I am happy. This is a lie, but I am good at hiding my sorrows. Those who know me wont know this, those who know me but who have not met me would understand some of this. Its about the pain of others than pain me most. The deepest scars in me are scars of others. The pain and my touch has carved many fountains for the famine suffering minds, but I will live without a drop of water for what I believe. I am human.

Please don't ask me to do something I am not ready for. Please don't ask me to become someone I don't want to. Please don't judge me for what I am not, judge all you want, but judge me for real. Please don't ask me to stop, I cant. Please don't ask me to think for something you believe would be good for me, it wont be, because I did not think of it. Please understand that it is not alright to make me sad, I cant take it. Please don't think I am rich, please don't think I can provide all, I cant and even if I want to, not to everyone. Please don't consider I am not the one you can attribute with the others, I am myself. Please don't make me cry, I have cried enough, I have seen enough sorrow to make me die. I didn't because I wanted to make things right.

Sorry for the false self, it is for your own good. When I become someone, and I think I am 'someone', you will see me smile from my true heart. Till then, no salvation on earth shall redeem your sins towards me, as does no God will forgive my sins that I did in order to protect everyone around me.


Homey said...

I feel like I am on the sidelines too because I have no interest in playing their game. None. I cannot for the life of me understand what is so special about their benchmarks.

I have been fortunate enough to have found love and facilitated 4 new ones. I had to swim against the current to get there.

You are a very kind, thoughtful, intelligent, and decent Human.
You are that rare breed, a humane human.

Don't despair, remember it's the journey and not the destination. All of the Celebrities that we watch, who get to where we all THINK we want to go, fall to pieces because they get destination sickness.

You are a great you and I wish that there were 6.6 Billion more like you.

Shiv said...

Awesome...words written with meaning and emotions...something that I wud want to post myself..GP..u just stole the words out of me...Society is the culprit..that and only that...and tats y I hate all this!!

Miladysa said...

[hugs ghosty]

I understand every word and felt your pain.

I always have something to say right? You can tell me to shut up right?

I confess I get concerned about one of my own sons, he is not looking to settle down and he may never settle down and that is OK.

I still get concerned though because as parents that is what we do, we can't help it. Forgive us and when we get older you can become concerned for us! hee hee

Keshi said...

no one BECOMES someone cos everyone is already someone. ;-)


Solitaire said...

You have been tagged..
Check Warm Fuzzies.

Miladysa said...

Thank you for your concern Ghosty :-D

Yes, believe it or not I felt it! I was asleep and I woke up and suddenly sat bolt upright in bed. I shouted out to my son as his bedroom is on the other side of the house. I thought he was moving furniture around!

I was staring blindly out into the darkness and shouting out to the children. My husband was awake and he thought I was having a nightmare! LOL

When I woke this morning my husband said,

"That was no nightmare Darling but an earthquake!"

Phew :-D

Jeevan said...

So many gets together in your post and it was wonder reading bro. You are you and I am me... one can listen to suggestions, but decisions should be ours.

gautami tripathy said...

You are on familiar grounds, Ghost. Don't worry. Don't give those much importance. You don't have to tow the line. I never did. Just be yourself, do whatwever you want to. Why should let others run your life?

Hugs for you.

Would you accept my hugs?

gautami tripathy said...

ghost, you just made me "someone" else. I am not GAYATHRI.


Write it down 100 times in your notebook, will you?

d SINNER!!! said...

i dnt know u, not followin ur blogs from 3 years...but i do agree with most of the points u have made....

cant say anythin else...for now...

Miladysa said...

Great comment from Jeevan!

Ghost Particle said...

[dearest friends] your words are an ecouragement, they have always been. your view on this matter touched me alot, more than ever, I am reflection. i must live my life, and at the same time, life must get better. the greatest pleasures in life, the most satisfying journeys are when we share the same ideas and principles. we are one, we are together. Your words are my guide.

hugs and love.
this journey shall go on.

Shiv said...

hey ya doin? ;) I just now ordered the complete collection of the FRIENDS. Talk abt me and addiction...

Solitaire said...

That is the hard part about living in society, the norms, the rules, and the boundaries. Sometimes so rigid and yet easily bendable. Sometimes it chooses to be flexible and we get reprimanded for being too one-sided. Its a confusing place to be in. But we all get through it. And you will too.

Anonymous said...

wakakakakakakkaa.. this is a funny ghost for sure.

Nachi said...

bitch! you are infringing upon 'bitching n cribbing about conniving-scheming-interfering-folks-in-my-life' rights that i have exclusivity to (refer to patent number 3135413446346931346411543 with the Patents Office, USA for further details). you need to pay up toll and fine on this one. go grab a beer for yourself and a pitcher of the same for me. gulp it down in a minute flat and smack yourself on the head and remind yourself that you are a great guy and you need not bother about all this 'real life drama'.

thou art a survivor. thy shalth make it through this with your pants still around your waist.

*hugs* bro!

Cinderella. said...

I wont even say the society is the perpetrator or something. Coz, we are the society, we make it..we breal it. The game is ours, and so are the rules.
Life is the way you walk it. And how you walk it, its you who's gonna decide.Like jeevan up there said, we may listen to suggestions (or we maynt if we donot like to) but at the end of the day, the final binding decision must be ours. Its your life, you have all the rights o live it the way you want it. someone..
Arent all these much too jaded terms when we beign to even think about, what the real deal life is..??
And we all are survivors in our way. Even the ones who fruitlessly comment on us have survived something in their way to life. They too did what they wanted to, what they thought was right, despite of a 1000 judgements by people. But thats what they seem to forget when they are gearing up to hound you. You can do two things about them...either forgive or forget. Dont ignore.
You are a sweetheart for all I know. The walk never was easy, and never is gonna be. So, dont think of how it is and why it is the way it is..just walk...
Love ya.

p.s : Btw,I got a job. Beginning next monday. Wish me luck.

R3d3MpTioN said...

brilliant ... so much of its so true for me it feels like ive written it ..

lost hopes or not, believe it or not .. each an every member of the society that we live in is a part of the fcuk up that is us ..! We had a life before their advices started streaming in, the guidelines to what's right and what's wrong, who why's and don'ts of this world were like packed in a homing missile, were fed our coordinates and then let loose and its been chasing us ever since.

The "rat race" as some people like calling it, is more of a dodge ball game that we end up playing, its like everyone is throwing something at us and the more we try to dodge the more the chances that the other guy hits us.

The walk of life you mention, are the reflection you hope us to do, the questions you hope we never ask, the forgiveness you ask for .. and the false self you portray..

Still think you are still the only one with a homing missile with your name tagging along your backside..? Join the club dude ..

btw.. hey.. I'm new here, hope Im not gate crashing or sumthing, just in case..


it rains around the world sleep welcomes the dream, and  enigmatic souls awaken along the eternal shores of destiny