It's like the feeling when you're first waiting outside the dentist's room. Knowing something painful going to happen and not knowing anything else. Thats what happens when you are young and naive. And what will happen when you are older and still naive? The pain is not more in the surface, its deep inside.
The sad predicament I got myself into, I have only me to blame. But can passion and love for science go so deep that someone can actually shut of the world to be focused solely into something? What about the feeling of being left behind or getting older. To think that after all this years, I'm still hoping for the world to offer a level playing field.
The demon knife that struck me when they said I'm an illegal in my research department...I overshot my days here. I cant understand, after all the odds, after all the decisions to do something I really want to do, now there is this strings pulling me back. The cast of time, lets use this, the cast of time not letting me move forward. It's the norm of all postgraduate students, the inability to wake up in the morning knowing another blind day to move ahead. The blind alleys to search for the rooms and laboratories. The blind directions to clear the bureaucratic necessities that has become the indulgence of present day third world education.
Tomorrow morning at 10 am...I planned this...rehearsed this for the past hour or so. I want to go in and tell them I'm stopping. I'm dumping this course for good. It's not anyones fault but the system. I waited for 5 long years to get a research grant, what I got was chicken feed. The life of a poor graduate student, the thousands I've spend to support myself when it was the institution that was supposed to pay me. When 99% of the applicants get a research grant, you'd be praying not to be the 1%. Life's this bad for a research student.
The idea is to prevail beyond all trouble, and what I faced during the most troubling times were the lack of helping hand. Everyone can give you an advice, but not everyone matters. It's been a cruel journey this 5 years. But its been the best of times too. I started out with a huge desire, I discarded the many job offers, shut out many voices. But the heartbreak followed soon. When you keep bad company, it will eat you soon. The best thing is to clean up! But along these years, I've also discovered the blog and the foreign winds. I cant forget Fred, and will never. But its an ancient mystery it is, if I never looked into the cyber fraternity, would I have discovered all of you? And still, in another extreme I failed miserably.
Ancient ShoresWhat the Master Wanted
It's almost an herculean task. But you have to admire their motivation, their desire. The first travelers, the time travelers. The built simple rafts out of tree trunks and sailed the mighty ocean. The crossed the salty deathscapes, praying way before they had God. But they looked forward, in a treacherous sea, the abyss of death waiting, the promise of land which strangely they did not foresee. What did they look for? Why did the leave the security of their familiarities and venture to find new worlds. The found land, India, Australia, Java...the spread of humanity. They had the stars to navigate...we have the stars to admire.
How ages have past, days and seconds forged ahead, the time traveler moved in and out of time, to the lands and seas again, today, we have motivations far different. But what makes us go forward?
Physics is a field where and when we ask WHY? Unlike all the other basic science fields, the most fundamental of all is physics and the only one that looks for the answer of something beyond God. What we live to admire today, the stars and time, the economics, the chaotic struggle of life, all we owe to this one dynamic field. Physics scares the life of some people, the idea of something beyond God fractures their standings, they diverge from the concept of a God-fearing world, the think we are going towards a Godless universe, the point being that physics is trying to decipher the mind of God. And the master asked once...'did god play dice?'. A single line of word that can send shivers down any hard thinkers spines. For those who understand this beyond the norms of pop literature...this means that when you attempt to answer this, you clearly know the will of God which then diminished the need for a God. Thats what driving me, the one motivation that gives us an option to look for a second beginning. What drove Einstein at that time to forge ahead knowing well that there is a different chapter in the history of the universe.
So whats for tomorrow? I'm still deviant in what I want, but at the same time I cant possibly promise even to me that I can go another day, week or month to finish my research. Its been etched so deep in my synapses that I wont do anything anymore without a grant, and now there is a grant and I wont get it for some obvious reasons. They why make me wait 5 years when the powers that be should have asked me to move on when I missed the first deadline a few years back. This is devils play, but I should have been stronger. Life.
What I want to do, today at least, is to end my misery, and end my research and pull out. The rest will be know tomorrow when I have the meeting. And then I will have a long talk with my supervisor and lay down everything that happened over the years and why I want to quit. But my answers for any questions will be simple. I am in the 1% category, and the masquerade of cruelty did not spare me the strength to use it to my advantage. Funding means attachment, but thats what I wanted all along. I did not feel at home at the one place thats supposed to be the stepping stone to the future. I was not welcomed even when the supervisor did almost everything he can to help me. There was one thing lacking; money. Without money, no research student can survive the mental anguish.
Now I am working, I am freelancing, I got the money (albeit not enough) but the burning desire in me is to be a physicist. To unlock the world and the universe. But my capabilities makes me think I'm not made for it. Maybe I'm just stupid. Its like this, you can go out to get new friends when you are 27, but you dont, because you want someone you've spend the 27 years with. So how do I dump all now and go out, search for a new beginning when I am lost? Seriously lost.
I'm not very positive about this, I want something fresh and new, I want something I can do and I love doing. And I want people to appreciate what I'm doing. God help me go through this.
[-] I'll post the outcome tomorrow.
[*] All Tomorrows is Fred's new blog.