Thursday, July 20

My Enlarging Butt, Job Zombie and The World

( depending on your imagination, state of mind and social consciousness- please treat this post as just another post among the millions made every day)

Ever since I started working, there was this 'fear of appearance' that kept me awake at nights. Initially it was the fear of meeting people, then the fear of attending meetings, and then the fear of not wearing a tie (because I don't know to tie one), the fear of going for lunch with colleagues...for the obvious reasons of spilling the food. So it all comes down to the fear of appearance, or the fear of mingling...or whatever name we give it. But apart from all that, something worst struck me.

There is this office related evolutionary cycle that is commonly know as enlarging butt. First detected when chair was invented a few thousand years ago, the enlarging butt is a common syndrome of desk attached employees. They are literally screwed to the desk from 8 to 5 probably trying to save a dying company. Hence, a few months after joining this company, I noticed the tragedy unfolding infront of my own mirror. I am slowly morphing into a Job Zombie complete with monitor eyes a.k.a square eyes, 'Einstein Hair' from the monitor static and an 'Office Butt' (TM, R, C). So my innocent thoughts wandered to other related things like enlarging boobs a.k.a 'Office attire Boobs' (TM, R, C) out of being stared at continuously, 'Duck Mouth' because of incestant gossiping, 'Horse Head' specifically effecting suck-ups who nod their head all the time to their bosses crap...etc.

Working, for a bachelor means instant increase of bank balances at the end of every month. After going through the natural distribution of wealth to all family members, grandma, land lord, personal mechanic, half baked doctors, pet store, we are left with this godly sum of money waiting to be injected into the country's economic cycle. The sudden increase in buying power also inflates the...emmm...Inflation(?!) because the businesses know that every year there will be an increase of new employees waiting to buy beer, fag and condom every weekend. So every year they will inevitably increase the prices. That's Economics 101 for you. So I have this much money with me and the weekend approaches. Dum dam dum dam dum dam (big big drums anticipating the next scene, suspense all around).

So the weekend approaches, and I wake up with a huge migraine staying up the whole night before downloading porn and eating half cooked pasta. So back to the weekend, after sleeping another half a day, I discovered the weekend is well, a quarter gone and I still haven't done anything a bachelor guy with money would do. Then it dawned upon me, this temporary amnesia lifts, working bachelors have no life what so ever. At this juncture, don't mix up the bachelor in this post with your average NY bachelor. This is the third world country bachelor we're talking about. This bachelor is a die hard wannabe of the NY bachelor who goes clubbing on the weekends, and goes to salsa classes on weekdays. So by the next weekend he can arrange a nice 'get together' with the Salsa girls... Snap!

Working, finally taught me the reality of life. I am a bona fide Job Zombie. Working doesn't teach you to go ahead in life, get a girl or buy a car, work actually sucks every drop of soul out of you and feeds it to the Office Alcatraz pigeons. Working, by its exact definition is a 'slow, rotting process which a live body undergoes from the age of 23 onwards'. By the time the body hits 55, it will be rotten to the core, unable to recollect the wonders of the world and will be stuck in one tour after another of grand children, beautiful beaches blurred by rotten eyes and an imagination gone dry. Work, from 8 to 5 everyday promises pain and suffering because it also means that nearly 90% of us have finally gotten rid of our dreams of becoming astronauts, pro-basketball players, etc and wear black pants and white shirts in a never ending cosmic cycle. Job Zombie...Job Zombie...lalalalallala (to the tunes of Bee Jees).

With money, and somehow 'saving for the future' not registering in mind, will let us experiment with newer things and places. Like the one weekend I decided to get rid of a few hundred bucks of heavy bills adding weight to my wallet and enlarging my already enlarged butt. We bought expensive water called 'liquor' and never actually finished it. So, call it a working hazard, or work hangover, money actually disappears as fast as it comes to us. Not to curb my enthusiasm with money and still aware that I am a job zombie, I decided to hit the 'concept' restaurant circuits. It took me a few trips to realize that the food is actually crap, and I only go there for the decor. Most if not all the time the waitresses are very happy to see me because I took this 'tipping' culture as a social status.

Eating out in special places also lets me see new people. And also meet all those Job Zombie's 2.0 who actually managed to get a girl friend. They should not be mistaken for Job Zombie XP's who have trophy chicks as girlfriends. Those girls who looks exactly like mannequins and from one look you swear they appeared in an ad somewhere. In between all of them, there is me, Job Zombie Mac, all add hype, all blown up with a big butt. (self depreciation, a slow sad violin adagio). After careful observation, I decided that the girl I want to get must know how to use chopstick, because chopstick, ladies, will actually make you look ultra snazzy! Ultra cool chicks using chopstick! They look super sophisticated and efficient. And when people look at them its like all those happy couple ads you see on TV. The guy totally in control, the girl the tool user showing the superior wiser person in the relationship. A win win situation. I noticed a lot of Indian girls using chopstick nowadays, so it wont be hard for me when I get upgraded to Job Zombie 2.0.

And now the world, in the middle of the month all hell breaks loose. There's only a hundred bucks left in your account, and you call home with that sad tone asking a loan. Now don't deny yourself by saying no, nearly all guys do this. Girls I observed a much more in control, but I presume they do ask in secret. Money, is the source of all joy and evil. But at moments I feel this small sprout of happiness growing in me knowing that I don't smoke, do sex (!!!) or do coke to loose massive amounts of money for nothing. The other facet of this wishes that I can appreciate all the things I buy, read all the books I collect and try to do something better with my life. So if there is time when you hit earth, reality, the third rock from the sun, it will definitly be when you're short on money. Then you would realize there is much more to money than a 10 dollar coffee or locking arms with wonder bra girl out of a cinema. Life is, like a, plate of hot Idli. It tastes good with chicken curry but it's best eaten with plain old sambar chutney.

Hence, for all things good, do Job Zombie's get back their dream and become humans again? Now that's the million dollar question. Okay now, have to do my butt'cersice...I don't know whether girls will dig guys with big butts alike guys who digg big boobs.

( it takes a special art/ moment to use vulgarity, however little it is, in blog posts. Just make sure it doesn't turn into Porn, or have ulterior motives. Just use the face value if its a fun post, and give ample depth if it's something important. If not, don't use it at all!)

[-] Read that the blog ban in India will be lifted soon. Hope to see you guys back to active blogging!


Anonymous said...

It's me... Future Bill Gets
I give you PD check , you enjoy

Ghost Particle said...


Shravanthika said...

Kewl article.. nice to think and laugh :-)

V N said...

Yeh.. hv been hearing abt the impending ban-lift. nothing has changed on my side, though. still waiting! :)

hey.. idli tastes gud with chicken curry? never knew that... hmm...
;) :)

Nahuatl said...

I CANT BELIEVE THIS!!!! Salsa? Damn!


Cinderella said...

Amazingly straightforward and uncharted truth.

I dont take it much of a comic though,its indeed the scenario in the whole jobber world today.

Infact like you said , "businesses know that every year there will be an increase of new employees waiting to buy beer, fag and condom every weekend."...inflation happens !

But hey I dont think working is "'slow, rotting process which a live body undergoes from the age of 23 onwards'." will be if you dont like your job,mundane means ennui,not if you know you're gonna use your talent for the world to behold.

Chicks and ***** (I'm way too orthodox to utter that)..thats what guys think of all the time??

C'mon gimme a break !

Cinderella said...

And hey I still cant access Blogspot...using proxy still.
Hope I can soon enough.

gautami tripathy said...

same here..proxy server..


That's Economics 101- Never thought about this at all...Genious you have pinned this down!

Th eversions of Zoombies is just ultra hillarious man!!!

Keshi said...

lolz Ghosty great post!

**So it all comes down to the fear of appearance, or the fear of mingling

this happens to IT ppl...cos all they do is sit infront of the PC mingling with electronics and not I sometimes suffer from this too but cos Im usually a very outgoing person I somehow manage to stay in touch with the humans hehe..blogging helps too ;-)

** Job Zombie...Job Zombie...lalalalallala (to the tunes of Bee Jees).

haha unfortunatley this is true...ppl somehow forget their dreams once they r in a job that pays their bills. I once wanted to become an astronaut too and even a rock star...whatever happened to all that? prolly gone down my desk-job bin.

**Okay now, have to do my butt'cersice...I don't know whether girls will dig guys with big butts alike guys who digg big boobs.

lolz @butt'cersice. well the trick to stop the butt from getting wider by the min is to do some toning exercises. Personally i dun like guys with a flat ass - I like it to be healthy - i.o.w. fleshy bt not as big as JLO's tea-tray.

lol have a good butty wknd dude!


S.Karthikeyan said...

Where did you read about the lifting of ban ?

Meanwhile, there's no mention of the movie ? Take heart, bigger bank balance, fat purse makes you an most eligible bachelor :-)

Nachi said...

just what i need to know before i too jump into the Job Zombie Bandwagon!! great read Ghost...but i'm not so sure i want to go get a job now anymore!! you just crucified my 'wanna work' desperation. maybe i should just do my Masters like people tell me to...

and yeah, you really pinned down Economics 101 there. should have written your exact words down for my paper last sem... :)

Maran said...

Good post GP. For me got money no time, got time no money...lately I notice I don't have both! :(

V N said...

I know this is real mean
but I hv tagged u!

Jeevan said...

weekend was fun days esp. sunday its a day for youngs. i love to spent the holeday outside, like beach, resorts, movies... just wish to go beach sighting girls have a coke, listining some pop albums. lot a lot...

Save the money, spent some for joy, enjoy the weekend:)

Naresh said...

bro.. sorry for catch u very lately...well im busy designing my new website... im a ghost hunter also... well, check my friendster blog..sure u will love it bro..i still have lots of things to post...



we can hunt ghost togeher :)

Raghav said...

no smoke, no sex, no coke ??
how do u get high man ??!!
anyway that reminds me off edward norton from fight club.
ur job is ur cancer ?

Ghost Particle said...

[BBD} dude, thanx for the pd check, must ask nagin to giv me one.

[EM} thanx a million!

[Velu] Yes man, it tastes awsome with mutton or chicken curry. Its lifted!

[Nayan] hahaha...damn was just an observation...hahahah!

[Cinderella] Thanx a million. Yeh work is good if you like it...and u can live orthodox but the world isnt!

[Gautami] but now u can! thanx.

[Scribx] i can be an economy prof soon! Thanx for the kind words. me job zombie mac.

[keshi] and the comment i love most. hahaha...yes, if we love the job, then we can learn to love life...and yes, blogging helps alot. Hey u like me butt?! hahhaha!

[karthi] yeh man...but then girls go for looks.

[jeevan] love ya bro...I know, must learn to appreaciate life!

[maran] hahahah! thanx man..we in msia always stuck in something bad isnt it. always no time...

[nachi] welcome here bro...and thanx for the words.! Yeh, if you can jsut dont stop being a student!

[velu] done the tag!

[jeevan] yeh bro, had a nice weekend too.,..slept all the way!

[raaja] where have u been! ill viist the link soon!

[ragahv] yes, me job is me aids! and yes, im definitly the ed norton, and i defintly am calvin...lets start a fight club!

Homo Escapeons said...

The top 1% of our society makes more money than the 40% of the people at the bottom. Do you think that they are happier? Well they are.
The problem is that their happiness gets expensive. Instead of a nice walk around the park they have to buy diamond dog collars and designer dresses and expensive cars and blah blah blah...
Even Puff Daddy figured it out in Mo Money Mo Problems...however nouveau riche showoffs like him destroy ideals of ghetto kids with their inane list of mandatory pleasures that can only be purchased. Bullshit. What hypocrasy.

Keshi said...

**Hey u like me butt?!

lol u r so naughty now! hahaha!



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