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First Contact, Remixed

On the last Thursday of the year, about half past 10 local time, they landed in the garden of the White House. The security never knew what hit them, in no time all the men in blue and black and whatever colour they’re in were rolling on the ground laughing. Apparently the aliens hit them with laughing gas. Good, now we know they have some sense of humour and wont bomb us…hemmm…senseless. Another half an hour went past, the president was hiding under his table, the secret service nowhere in sight. Thinking of the worst, he reached for his cell phone and dialled 911 with his trembling fingers. So much for him, the aliens UFO, which funnily enough is shaped like a saucer, lighted up like a Las Vegas casino, sans neon signboard. A door opened up and from it rolled down a weird looking robot with a huge plasma screen TV for its head. Words fail to describe alien technology, literally, so I’m using earth analogy. Oh, and by the way, I am the dude, who saw it all.

The president peering from his oval office window, the national guards lining a perimeter around the building, TV crews circling above in helicopters, all waiting for the end of the world. Then the plasma TV head robot displayed a message. ‘Give Us Your Women’. Hence, history would remember that on the first contact, the first ever message to earthlings would be such. The man on the street knew straight away what it means. The end of civilization as we know it.

Mark, Fred, Blenster and Gp were on vacation at Kodaikanal in India. Intoxicated with Vodka and Fred’s poetry, they were having the times of their lives. Mark and Gp, both drunk up their asses were watching soccer on ESPN. With one eye open, Gp read the breaking news scrolling below. “White house taken hostage by aliens”. Feeling amused he joked about it to Mark. Both were laughing silly when the no nonsense Blenster senses trouble. He flipped the channel to BBC, where an unimaginable scenario is unfolding. The white house is littered with security officials laughing and rolling on the floor and helicopters hovering above. And on the middle of lawn, beside a giant saucer is a plasma screen with the words “Give Us Your Women”. Standing in the middle of the room, he made the most startling statement. “Get ready lads, we’re going to save the world”. To which Mark replied, “What the fuck is wrong with you dude! Drop the fake accent and come have a shot.” Fred, walking out of the kitchen, in a pink apron, unaware of any of this offered them some stir-fried barnacles.

As the new day dawned, news channels were jammed up with news of alien invasion. Apparently, the aliens landed in every country on earth. And all displayed the same message on their plasma screen robots. The hypocrite aliens even had extra plasma TV robots in India and South America smitten by the abundance of beauties there. Buggers. Third world countries readily offered their women of fear being wiped out of the map while America, God bless the Yankees, argued why the aliens did not have exclusive contact with it first before going to all the other countries.

On the plane back to the States, Blenster devised his mega master plan to drive away the aliens and save all women of earth. Mark is having his worst hangover ever and Gp is busy convincing Fred that America is safe to go to. Fred is European you see. And they served French fries on the plane, much to Fred’s amusement. Blenster knew exactly what to do; he had this vision of impending alien attack in his dreams. They must have been devoid of women I guess. Oh, yes, more about me. I am a particle. You can call me Ghost Particle. I travel trough time, chronicling the universe.

Arriving in DC, Blenster and gang rushed to the scene only to be held back by the big security present and hoards of people rolling on the ground laughing. Women, by the thousands are lining up impatiently to leave earth, for heaven is calling for them. They look extremely happy, and men were crying. The aliens are subjecting the most horrible form of torture on the men of earth. Blenster, the ever-wise person, exclaimed once and for all, the aliens are here for purposes worst that that. By depriving men of women, and pulling them out of the evolutionary cycle, mankind will come to an end. Whatever soul left will eventually evolves in sexless humanoids; part man part machine that will be the perfect slave for the aliens. And all this after the world cup has ended? They should have known this coming when Australia won the cup. Dumb humans.

Mark has other ideas playing through his sober hear. The aliens give him the perfect premise to start a Galaxy Safari. If he managed to capture a few hundred of them and put them in the Serengeti, he would surely make tonnes of money on the safari. Fred on the other hand wants to learn their cooking and proposes to act as a translator for Blenster. Gp, as usual is lost.

As the days fly past, nearly half of earth women are gone, transported to some planet in a far away galaxy. Men turned into restless cannibals and Blenster is busy interfacing his Mac to spread a mega virus into the alien’s flying saucers. Mark managed to pull Gp into his plan and together with Fred who is halfway trough a poetry book on aliens is going around America capturing aliens. Oddly some of them aliens speak Mexican. Shipping them to Africa would prove to be a problem though.

And while everyone is running around doing something or being someone, the aliens are quite a bit pissed with the lack of seriousness of some countries of sending their women away. China for one has condemned the demand and in return wants the aliens to embrace communism. Thus started another wave of conversion related scandals around the world, which wasn’t going anywhere positive. Gp for one is just worried about all the women he never met who are gone now. The spate of human strike backs in the form of Mark and his motley gang of Safari hunters caused the aliens to retaliate. They upgraded their weapons systems, which in turn pissed Blenster off for he had nearly broken the alien computer password. Relating to the incident, nearly all of Texans, cowboys mostly have turned gay, because of the evident lack of women.

In other fronts, counterfeit flying saucers, plasma TV’s and surprisingly aliens emerged from China in just a few weeks after the so-called invasion. Oil prises has dropped though because less men drive now that they don’t have anywhere to go without women, and no one to drive to the malls anymore. Shopping malls closed down for apparent reasons and the strip bars around the world are resorting to DVD’s of Playboy and Penthouse to satisfy their customers. Summer blockbusters are entirely made up of science fiction movies, and an influx of gay themed fares. Superman and Batman are fighting to rid the world of alien scum. In the homes everywhere, scum is filling the kitchen sink because of lazy men who don’t want to do dishes, which opened the market for disposable clothes and utensils.

In just one year, the world is devoid of women. All female, young and old are taken away. Even China had to give up because of the Fourth of July laughing gas attack around the world. The worst had happened, yet living in denial, the president of United States proceeded to attack Iran for sending aliens to kidnap the earth women. Blenster on the other hand, managed to crack the alien code, with clues found in the paintings of Van Gogh and an ancient scripture buried under a tea stall in Kodaikanal of all place. At the same time, Fred successfully mastered the alien language and Mark and Gp opened the Galaxy Safari with a few hundred drunk aliens running around in the wilderness of Africa. Mark forgot that the Serengeti is home to lions and god knows other predators, so in no time all the aliens were eaten.

Blenster with the help of Gp and Fred and a stolen alien saucer slipped into the alien mother ship and planted the virus. In no time, aliens started to drop dead around the world. An astounding success for Mark and the gang and book deals followed, movies were made and guest appearances on Oprah turned into a riot. Did I mention, Oprah was no more, so Dr.Phil appears for her now. Blenster became the universal hero, and Mark the greatest ever alien hunter, Fred the universal communicator and Gp just basked in everybody else’s glory. For that short moment of glory and happiness, everyone forgot the missing women and all men of earth ran naked for days.

Intelligent beings around the universe always asked me, what do I gather from all this, flying around all of creation. What do I see that makes me want to live another day? I answer to them that I see the will to live, the hope to succeed and love to conquer all. And godammit guys, you have to have a sense of humor!

[-] What an anti-climax! Our lives are like that I guess...any suggestion of what the ending can be?
[+] I thank my real life buddies Blenster, Mark and Fred. Please dont sue me :p
[-] It’s been a bad boring hell of a day in the office. My worst fears; office politics is slowly pulling me into its evil clutches, once again proving that we can never have what we like. How have you all been?

Comments

Wow! You must be really bored at work to have concocted that story. Can't believe I went through the whole thing!

But won't you bring the women back?
I'm equally bored, you see! ;)
Jeevan said…
Its like watching a Steven Spilberk movies, what a think. Galaxy Safari what a idea...

You should have stoled the secrect of aliens to find where they sent the Women's, very sad for the Men's in the world:)
Keshi said…
ur such a writer Ghosty WOW! It was like reading the scripts of a Hollywood movie..


**And godammit guys, you have to have a sense of humor!

Indeed!


Keshi.
Ghost Particle said…
[strictly...] Hahha...true..was very bored! I tink ill write another story to bring them back... :P

[Jeevan] Thanx pa...:p it was a funny story...

[Keshi] Hahaha keshi...true, when we learn to laugh then we learn to live.
Galaxy said…
Hey Ghost Mark here...
Galaxy Safari has been so successful lately...yeah, we just found a truth serum which was extracted from a rare exotic plant found in one of my hunting excursions....The 10 ft Yargonian warrior which tried to sick his pet plant on my hunting party, sang like a bird when we killed his attacking pet plant and turned it into a truth serum and used it on the bastard!
Ghost, we may find our women yet...and get them all back!
Whoo Hoo!
Ghost, Loved the story it must continue with a killer sequel!

Mark
Fred Lessing said…
Now I must sue you: I NEVER get drunk when I watch football.
Fred Lessing said…
(I get drunk before and after...)