Tuesday, April 18


There’s a hole in my soul…

There are certain things and moments in life that haunts us forever, leaving us begging for mercy. Human emotion and feelings are not mysterious but exposed like an open book. Everyone has access to everyone else’s lives and can damage it forever sometimes. But under this seemingly transparent self, lays the few person or souls who appreciate life and friends to the extent that they will die for it.

People often told me that I couldn’t seem to make good friends. I don’t have the judgment capability to choose or pick the best. My idealistic logic’s notwithstanding, I fail miserably in order to get what I want. Everyone wants to live a utopian adventure, seeing that everyone else have friends whom in their mirror self, their outer skin seems to be the ideal mates in life. I realized painfully a few times that I don’t have them, and I fear I won’t have them forever.

I believe life is a journey and I follow that simple principle. But life alone is not what we live for because life is inevitable. What we live for are relations. How we deal with fate and destiny and to make fate and destiny work for us, we need people around us. Family is a part of life, they a born with us, but when we grow to have a soul, friends are part of us. We need them, in any situation and moment happy or sad to ensure and to remind us that we are alive.

Not wanting to hide anything, and not wanting to blame anyone else, I blame myself for the seemingly harmless moments that conspired to kill my soul. I’ve always had this fear inside me that I will loose everything. In everything I do, everything I take part, I always have this small spark of fear inside me that tells me everything will go wrong. Forgive me for having that strange capability to make the most out of negative things, but what I always wanted is to be loved and to love. There is nothing inside me that’s sinister to see someone else suffer. No matter how angry I am, deep inside I never want to let go. I appreciate friendship in every sense. If there are people who always say’s they would sacrifice for friends, then I can assure anytime that I am ready to do that. I can go the distance and endure that emotional pain to make sure I am there for them.

But at the same time, why are they not here for me. I'm not generalising but why is it that when I really need them, when I really need something, everyone seems to be hiding. I have done everything I can, and still why they must misunderstand me. What did I do wrong to beget such a reply even when they know I can’t survive it?

There are reasons, and decisions to be told and made. There is also communication that is important to convey those elements. Why do we always seem to be taking the easy way out by being silent or making selfish decisions? It’s not that I won’t understand, and if they must know, the emotions I show are because I need them. There could be a grand reason for everything, maybe by delaying something, or by pausing a moment in life, we may avert something much more painful. All I wanted is for them to hear me out. I never stood in front of them to stop them from their fates, but at the same time, give me some room to be myself. I am human, and I do feel the world. And I can assure that I sacrificed a lot of my life to make everyone else happy.

Since the blame is on me (and yet not wanting to satisfy anyone who is there solely to take advantage on this situation), give me a moment to make my decision. I never experimented on this, even knowing that it would satisfy many and also heal myself. Because I am the wrong guy here, so let me say sorry and at the same time let me go away. Let me be alone, let me experience life alone. Let me not be the one that’s a spoilsport, and let me not be the one stopping anyone from living life. I know this is the easy way out, but it’s not easy to sit down and talk since the wound among the many scars in my soul may overwhelm me at any moment.

I want my life back; I don’t want this sick injustice that life keeps on throwing at me to stop me from achieving what I want. So let me give you the joy of victory, this silent message that would gratify you and absolve me. I always made myself clear, I know some of you shared my passion, and I know some who went through the pain with me. But let me tell you, outside the institution, beyond the biased skin that we give that great ‘culture’ we call friendship, it is still sacred. It is sacred because some of us believe that there are moments where our life and our family is no match for the lives of friends. That’s where I went and I lived for so many years. But to what avail is all this if they cant spend a second to give me a hand. And why let me tell all this here when it could have been done or ended in a second when the time permitted it then. Am I still the wrong guy now. Think for a moment what it would have done if someone took the blame then. It just went by because everyone was egoistic enough to keep his or her agenda.

(And no, I’m not stopping from blogging; I find pleasure and friendship in communicating with faceless people because there is honesty where people would be surprised if we say we can understand emotion. That’s the Internet. The formless hand that can hold you and give you life, my own spirit won’t let me to stop blogging).

All said, I know I gave in so many times. Gave in to let people treat me like rubbish because they know I needed the elixir called friendship. If there is spirit in them, then they would not have waited to read this. Time is same for everyone, but don’t ask why it did not stop for you and me. Someone should have realized but all I found is that everyone likes to be silent, to think that things would heal in time. I was there time and time again to ask for forgiveness, but none of them did the same. So this time, I won’t give a second thought. Let there be times when we meet and walk past, but there won’t be a moment that I will stop to say a word. If there is a next life, then maybe there will be another chance. I think I’m hurt enough, and don’t force me to give more than I can.

All I want to say is, for a moment, change the attitudes and change the character to accommodate others. You will find a new life breeding inside you that would deepen you, and make you love life more. Those are the magical moments in friendship. We went through it since everyone must have had those nights where we slept smiling and had those days where we cried silent tears in the dark because of moments that made us happy beyond anything. Hope they know that I write this from my heart and it’s still painful to write this and remember that I gave everything. Everything.

[-] Alma means 'Soul' in Spanish. And there is definitly no girls involved in this issue.


Nahuatl said...

Why you still feel hurt for the things in past? Haven't you learnt to let go?

I am still out there somwhere dude.. I am still here.

Ghost Particle said...

Let go...I just did bro...I just did...


it rains around the world sleep welcomes the dream, and  enigmatic souls awaken along the eternal shores of destiny