Sunday, March 12

History of Biscuits

I got a very long email from a buddy saying I'm dropping hints of depression in my blog, depression in me that is. Well as Nayan said in his comments, depression technically should only be a phase but for someone whose been suffering from it for 10 years, I think it's very well defined as a disease. No one actually knows where it comes from, let alone know a good cure for it. It has no cure, it causes physical damage to the brain and worst still, the only shortcut out of it would be suicide. Imagining that every other road leeds to more dead ends, complex problems, many serious suffers from depression take that one easy route out of misery. I wont rant futher on the technicality of depression, you can read it here;[DepressedWiki].

So what is it about Gp and depression. For once, I think I know where it came from. It's my inability to conquer my fears, of almost everything. Maybe it started when I was bullied during my schooling days, or it could be because I just simply liked to be alone. It's hard to be the lone guy who on the pretext of observing the universe, fails to communicate with the rest of the world. Growing up in a village also brought much more wonder to the senses, the surrounding and all, than those bland days playing with friends, who you're pretty sure wont be there in a few years. It's all in the assumptions of something happening regarding you but in reality most of the time, the universe is just going on by it's own business. After a few years, when I was in upper secondary, or pre-u, I had different kinds of struggles to wade through. The studies were very stressing, the failure to realize the true potential and jumping into things that I could not actually face. Failing grades, friends and all other elements leaves a lasting impression that simply wont go away no matter how hard you try. After all this, I thought I might have grown immune to this mystery called depression simply because I went through it everyday.

After a period of a year or so, which I thought would have liberated me from the mind bending disease, I started to grow schizophrenic. Yes, fearing of something that's not there. Initially it was only in my room, or when I'm walking to my classes in the university or in short confined to small spaces and time. But then I started to discover patterns that often ended of started with really painfully migrain attacks coupled with flu and depression thrown in. And worst still after a year or two, the real stuff started to kick in. By that time I already know when I'm going to get depressed and when I need to be alone so that I wont be scared of intimidated by the other person and such. So if any of my friends read this you could now rethink the times when I was being a real pain the ass that I was just doing the whole world a service by not jumping from the tallest building or something by confining myself in my room. It was something that would continue to bug me, and make me loose friends, and discover that I can perform ultra-creatively in anything I like to do. So creative streaks, migrains and depression became part of my life.

One thing about depression and advice from friends is that, it wont ever work. Simple as that. There is no absolute cure for depression. No prozac nation here my friends. Depressed people just need time out, and pray that their own shadows wont eat them. And then inbetween all this are things called studies, work, presentations, meetings and all. For serious sufferers, this would be the ultimate challenge. Something like trying to win the last level of a videogame that has no ending. You can imagine if you try. There will be sleepless nights, sudden fevers, panic attacks and sometimes very bad chest pains that makes you think you're having heart attacks. So much for the history of my depression, here comes something serious.

I was or shall I say managed to get a job as an editor in this big company and would be starting tomorrow. This is a great thing since I'm stuck in my university doing something that I wished would have turned different but never did. So much hope and work and in the end (this is my last semester), all those promises of doing PhD in some foreign university, or a research job did not materialize. This is especially painfully since I'm dead set in wanting to become a scientist, and astronomer and an astrophysicist (all thrown in). Studying cosmology perfectly compensated being depressed because I can do it alone or with minimal contact with the outside world.

(Internet, emails and blogs gives me a chance to use my alter ego or handle, hence Ghost Particle. While still rooted to science, I was able to reach more people since I don't have to meet them face to face and also help or get help easily. It also helped me get the feedback I wanted that I was not able to muster out in this sick lame place I'm studying.)

Sorry to say, that for the years I've spend in this great institution that gave birth to many scientists, have well managed science labs and one of the biggest libraries in south east Asia, I was unable to tap into the real meaning of science. If you read the book "A Short History of Nearly Everything" by Bill Bryson, you would get a picture of the real world of science. The real scientist, the researchers, the lab assistants would have made a discovery that will ultimate be leeched away by the head professor of some other big head who will steal the credit. Imagine having slugged in your prime years to no positive outcome and watching the world go by, your friends working and your parents worrying.

It's a sad thing that I have to leave all this behind, and also pray that in the three months I have to finish my thesis I will finish it and have enough money to pay off the external examiner. It's a though life for a scientist here. I feel extremely stupid of passing the opportunity to become a teacher a few years back, and felt even stupider when the interviewer fo the job I was trying last year screw me for something I did not do. That's for another story. Like Fidel Castro said, and now I feel like repeating, history would absolve me. In desperation, and also out of respect for the person who recommended me for this job, of who I still could not find out, I took the job, did not negotiate the pay and will step into the office environment that I last went through 5 years back. And linking all this to my depression episodes, I'm freaked out of the silly possibilities that would arise. There is no place from writer's blocks or any else. I have to be ready and have to be alert. I have to sleep early, wake up early, get trashed in the commuter or the metro to get to my job. I have to suck up, attend meetings, work long hours. This is not a complain, but this is a reality I must face. Visy was right when she said go with the flow. Go with the flow and you can never go wrong. After all I have been drifting all this years anyway.

If there is one person I would want to thank first for this opportunity, and bringing out the real me that I never thought I would, it would be Fred. And suprisingly he called me yesterdayto wish me good luck. I have been a translator for a long time and through him had a chance that actually let me earn a living (however small it is) and also let me secure this job. So life is never an entanglement mystery that cant be explained, life is not physics. When everyone made life a mess, then it's physics.

So will I ever come back to science or physics or whatever I love to do? I will know it tomorrow. For once, I'm happy that I would not have to watch TV. Something that ate away the time and energy that I have, TV makes us lazy. So this is not a goodbye to the blog world, just that I will be back soon, if I get the chance to use the net. Maybe good things will come out of this, great thing, but for any great thing to come out, history has an answer, and it's called MONEY. So I have to earn something to realize my dreams. Sorry if I could not reply your messages, Marutham was angry in her comments, I will be back, give me some time, let me pull myself together and pray for me that I will do well at the new place. Love all.


* As you might have expected, the post title has nothing to do with the post issue.
* Be happy also because Visi will be back soon from her holidays, so you will have all things human and warm to read.
* Try going through my blogroll, you'll find many more intereting bloggers from around the world.
* In 7 hours more where ever you are, it will be exactly 16000 days to the year 2050!

Ghost Tags: ,


Jeevan said...

Gp all the best for the steps your going to take in coming days to fullfill your dreams.:)

karthik m said...

you will have your day... may be then at the peak of fame you may laugh at your own post on depression... 10 years may be tooo long,.. but it could be the basement for the maturity and life long happiness... whatever you do.. all the best and all the luck(and do write a lot, you have this blessed talent groom it well!)

Ponnarasi Kothandaraman said...

Hey GP,
Is tht u? Yenna aachu? Who is the reason behind deprsn?? Yarunnu sollunga...aal vechu adichidalam ;)
Cheer up!

PS: u never replied to my question in ur earlier post..

cosmicblob said...

"It's all in the assumptions of something happening regarding you but in reality most of the time, the universe is just going on by it's own business."

Well said. So true.. Good luck in your new endeavor...

Maran said...

Good luck bro :-)
Dun worry your depression sure fly away once u see some cun chick at your new place!

Nirek said...

Congrats on your new job. Where are you relocating to?
Its was a nice experience all along in blog world with you. Come back soon to blog world. We will all miss you badly. And all frens of Earth 2050 will also miss you badly.

Depression is a common syndrome. Life is topsy turvy land where what we ask for will never happen, thats leads to depression. No words to advice you on that, we are sailing in same boat. keep in touch...

Nahuatl said...


And u dumb stupid.. how dare you say "There is no absolute cure for depression."????????? WTF!!
There is a cure... just wait till I reach ur place to kick you.

So many things.. so many you know.. but so many unfollowed. Time calls for action, not for listening stories.
Depression can be cured.. just that you will need help, esp. from people within your reach. Now you may give excuses, but you know urself how lame are your excuses :P

Ghost Particle said...

Thanx all, love you all guys...sorry not enough time to reply...Thanx Nayan...Ill b waiting for your kick...hahah...Thanx Maran...there is no chicks here man...dry...thanx just donest stop to amaze us...karthik...ponna...jeevan...ill do my best...

Marutham said...

Hey GP,
How are you? Damn! You are not out of the depression yet?? Too bad. Chill out! Try doing something that u r good at,play some games, go out! Take care.I was expecting to see +VE energy here... Hope to see it soon.
And sorry that SANJANA has moved. Miss her!

visithra said...

Truthfully depression has no cure but by time - but to get out u must also make the effort - u need a change of scenery - the job should do that - meet more ppl go out - even if u dont want to - force urself - only u can change ur lifes course

slimgabshy said...


All the best in your new adventure


it rains around the world sleep welcomes the dream, and  enigmatic souls awaken along the eternal shores of destiny